#she would literally need to stop and remind herself that the last time she saw him was NOT IN FACT yesterday

[rafecameronsleftbicep]

want more, rafe cameron

When reader and Rafe have been sneaking around with each other for the last two months, y/n can't help but want more. Bringing this up with him, she's under the impression he's embarrassed to be seen with a pogue.

warnings: swearing, insecurities, arguing, mentions of sex, angst, always a sucker for a happy ending though, it's a looong one <33

pairing: rafe cameron x fwbpogue!reader

Y/n was sat on the little bench outside her small home, right by the water as the wind blew through her hair. Her knees were tucked up to her chin as the kook boy who usually plagued her thoughts did just that, sink into her mind.

It was never meant to be more than a good time, something to pass the summer. He made her feel good - in more ways than one - he would take her out on dates, whisper sweet words to her, and the way he looked at her. She could swear he was in love, that he was just as infatuated with her as she was him. But the way he only took her to private and secluded places, the way his words were the most affectionate when he was deep inside her, the way he would put space between them whenever he saw someone he recognised. These small things, things he may not even realise he does, they all reminded her that she wasn't anything to him. He would never let himself fully be hers, he could never let his reputation fall like that.

He gave her just enough that she felt completely and utterly consumed by him. Craved his attention, his touch, even a small message would complete her day. However, as time went on she knew she needed more, she knew that she couldn't bear much more before she completely lost herself to please him.

"Come over" The message catches her attention, the illuminated screen laying on the bench beside her pulling her from her wandering thoughts.

She knew the message was from Rafe before her eyes even flicked to the screen, she never really had anyone else calling on her. It wasn't that she didn't have any friends, but she wasn't one to go out and the friends she kept knew that.

A couple weeks ago, she would've been on her way to his before she could even start replying, no thought needed except the thought of being in his proximity. Now, however, she was tired. Tired and sad, feeling pathetic really after spending so long thinking about him.

"feeling tired tonight. sorry, rafe" She replies slowly, her heart pounding as she sends it. She turns her phone back off, yet before she can place her phone back down her screen lights up with another message from him.

"Please, baby. I need you" He responds, her heart sinks. She doesn't know how much more she can stand up for herself, fighting that craving feeling she has for him.

"not in the mood rn tbh" She tries to stay strong, holding onto that tiny bit of dignity she has left in her.

"Don't even need to fuck"

"Just wanna be close to you"

Her heart pounds faster and her breathing is shaky. Fingers hovering over her illuminated screen. Every possible message she could write spinning though her head.

"you can come over then" She types out, deletes and types out again. She had never been so unsure in herself before, never doubted her own thoughts like this. But she sends it, stopping herself from contemplating and worrying further.

Rafe had been to her place a couple of times before, only ever to pick her up. Each visit shorter than the last, hurrying to leave as if humiliated to be caught in such a place. It made her feel ashamed of who she was, how she grew up and she felt even more embarrassed that she let a guy make her feel so insecure about something that could never change, something that literally made her who she was.

"Coming" The phone lights up for a last time in her hands and when her eyes run over the message she is filled with surprise and even more shame as her heart warms for him. She knows that him visiting her is the bare minimum. That being able to step foot in the place she calls home should not be seen as a difficult task. But she feels happy that he's coming to see her because he wants to.

She sits with her pathetic thoughts as she waits for him. Curling up on the bench as she watches the way the pearly moonlight glimmers across the waves perfectly. The soft wind sending chills down her spine and strands of her hair across her face.

"Y/n?" She hears his voice call out and for a moment she feels like she's lost hers. "Baby?"

"Yeah, around here" She replies softly as she sees him bend round the corner of her home. She has a tiny smile on her face, never fully reaching her eyes.

"Something wrong, pretty girl?" He mutters softly as he moves to sit next to her on the bench. He's dressed in sweats and she can only assume he's been relaxing at home prior to coming over. He gently takes her bare legs and slides them onto his lap. He can't help but let his eyes rake over her perfect body. The way she looks so small in his shirt he must've let her borrow once and some pyjama shorts. Yet for the first time, he puts aside his vulgar thoughts because he can tell she's unhappy.

Her eyes look into his, the way he's cracked open her feelings so easily, reading her like a book despite keeping a wall up of his own. Her breath shaky again as she gives a small shrug, her eyes dropping down to his hands. The way his thumb gently runs back and forth over her knee.

"Talk to me" He says softly, the crease between his brows deepening as he loses her gaze.

"Do you even care?" She voices gently. Not looking at him, to maintain the little power she has left over herself.

"What?" He mumbles with confusion, his body straightening up as he didn't expect such blunt thoughts from her.

"Do you even care that I'm upset? Or what I'm upset about?" She mumbles a bit louder as her gaze moves back over to the glistening waves ahead of them.

"O-of course I do, I don't understand?" He mutters as his thumb stops the stroking and instead slides to her chin, moving her face to look at him.

"I mean we aren't dating, and it feels like you've never really cared about how I feel outside the sex." She tells him for the first time. The tension feels suffocating, yet at the same time the weight off her shoulders is so liberating.

"That's what you think?" He asks her, a strong tone of annoyance or maybe disappointment.

The eye contact between them so intense that she feels as though she needs to take a deep breath before replying or she might pass out. "That's exactly how it feels." She admits gently with a shrug.

"That's not what this is." He says firmly, shaking his head as his hand slips off her chin and runs down his face with a huff.

"You're embarrassed to be seen with me. Face it, Rafe. It's not like we're dating. You only keep me around for a good fuck." She says shakily, running off adrenaline and the fact that there's no use stopping now that she's started.

"You don't embarrass me, I'm just not ready to make things official." He tells her unwaveringly, yet his eyes darting towards the water, the ground, her. Everything about his body and words make him seem so secure in himself. Yet his eyes express all his true emotions, how hesitant and insecure he really feels.

"God, Rafe. You can barely be seen with me, and I can't bear to be just some girl you fuck and take out secretly." She tells him, her throat feeling scratchy and sore as her eyes water lightly. She curses herself for getting so emotional, it wasn't even that serious yet she couldn't keep herself together.

His heart breaks, pained as she expresses her feelings to him, pained as he watches her fall apart in front of him. "I'm sorry for making you feel that way." He mutters gently.

"Don't be. You never promised me anything more than what you've given me." She shakes her head gently, as her eyes look at the side of his face.

"I want to give you more, I want to promise you the world." He whispers with his head in his hands.

"I can't continue feeling like this, Rafe." She tells him softly, "I can't handle craving you privately."

"I didn't know you felt like this..." He replies shamefully, his hands sliding down his face as he turns to look at her with torment. His eyes are glossy and his jaw is clenched, he doesn't know what there is to say to make this better.

"Don't bullshit." She mumble with a soft frown, not believing for a second that he didn't know she was completely infatuated with him.

"No, y/n. I mean it. I've... I feel for you. And I don't know how to handle it, express it. Fuck. I'm a mess, baby." He spills to her helplessly. "If I knew how I was hurting you, I would've done something, said something. I just- it's so difficult for me." His voice rasps and cracks unsteadily.

She doesn't know what to say, heart pounding as she watches his sincerity. She fiddles with her fingers anxiously as she tries to think of anything to reply with.

"Please believe me, pretty girl" He practically whimpers, his hands itching to feel her near him.

"What are we gonna do?" She whispers as she looks down at her hands. "Something needs to change... I can't go on like this" She tells him.

"I wanna make you mine." He tells her, giving in to his desperation to be close to her as his hand moves to rest on her anxiously fidgeting fingers.

"What's holding you back?" She mumbles as her eyes remain glued to their hands, fluttering closed for a moment as she soaks in the warmth of his hand.

"I-I don't know. I just, I feel so stupid because I want to give you the world but I'm the one stopping myself from giving it to you." He opens up quietly, his eyes boring into the side of her face. "But I know I need you, for more than just your body. I need you in every way I can have you." He whispers to her, gently pulling her closer so that his lips brush the shell of her ear. His closeness, warmth and the way his breath tickles her ear shoots a shiver down her spine.

"Please let me have you."

(a/n: i had to end it there or i would keep writing all night, i hope you all enjoyed!!)

[velvet4510]

The Legacy of Nicholas Scratch

After episode 9, Nicky’s spirit calling out “Mama, stop!” as Agatha kills Alice hits WAY differently.

The popular theory prior to the finale was that Agatha accidentally killed Nicky herself, perhaps by inadvertently absorbing a manifesting power of his own and being unable to control/stop herself. And his voice from the Ouija board was actually a memory of his last words as she was killing him.

But actually, it’s entirely different. Nicky’s words were not about himself. They were about her, and her actions.

Unlike Agatha, Nicky had a strong conscience in life, if only due to the natural innocence of childhood. He never felt good about his mom killing all those witches, to the point where he spent their last day together sparing the lives of the latest group of witches and drawing Agatha away from them. And now 250+ years later, thanks to Billy, his spirit is briefly drawn back toward the living world just in time to see his mother is still doing it. She’s still hurting her fellow witches. So he makes one last plea: “Stop!”

Because Nicky knows his mom, better than anyone besides Rio. He knows that she is capable of love and kindness. He saw it every day in her care for him and in their shared joy as they wrote and sang their little song together. He’s witnessed so much proof of her heart and her capacity for good. He wishes she’d let herself tap into that side of her, and stop letting herself be the monster that everyone says she is. He’s always known that she can be more than that.

And this is exactly why Agatha does stop, just from the sound of Nicky’s name before she even hears his voice. She’s reminded of his concern for life in spite of, or perhaps because of, his (most likely) being the child of Death. A concern that she never let herself have.

All these years without Nicky, she’s let her pain and grief motivate her in killing those witches. How could any of these witches possibly deserve to live when Nicky didn’t? It’s a similar mindset to Clint as Ronin when all those criminals outlived his family. She might as well punish “the undeserving.” And in doing so, maybe, somehow, she’ll gain enough power to fill that ever-present hole that was torn into her chest the morning she woke up to find that he never would wake again.

But now here he is again, forced to see what she has become. And he doesn’t like it. He still wants her to stop.

No wonder Billy’s question “is this how Nicky died?” is what finally gets through to her. On the day he died, Nicky abandoned her quest to inflict death on others, wishing they could just let them live. That day, Agatha continued ignoring his wishes in favor of her own agenda, prompting him to apologize and give in, saying they can kill more witches tomorrow. Now here is Billy, who went through everything he did just to give life back to his brother. Who is doing exactly what Nicky would’ve done if he’d had a brother. And Agatha is about to abandon him to her own agenda once again. To get him killed just as she got all those witches killed in spite of Nicky’s pleas.

No.

Not again.

So with a literal kiss of Death, she finally embraces Nicky’s concern for life. She enters death in order to let someone else have life.

But … in perspective, that’s just one boy. Nothing will ever bring back any of those witches she killed. Nothing will ever undo those years that she spent turning the only piece of Nicky’s legacy, his only contribution to the living world in the stolen time he was given, into a conduit of the very thing he always opposed.

No wonder she can’t face Nicky. No wonder she’s afraid of seeing him. Even centuries later, she was still doing what he didn’t want her to do, and was about to keep on doing it to the point of needing a reminder of him. And she’s been doing it using their song. Corrupting his beautiful sweet little tune into a harbinger of doom. The very last thing he ever wanted his song to be used for.

No wonder she’d prefer staying with Billy, who is considerate of others’ lives just like Nicky was. Who is the first person to make her feel tender emotions since she lost her baby, the first person to open her eyes to the true horror of what she’s been doing with that ballad all these years. Who is her second chance.

She wouldn’t give Nicky what he wanted: for her to stop. But she will give Billy what he wants: his brother. She will spend her new “afterlife” as a ghost doing for Billy what she should’ve done for Nicky: helping him get what will make him happy, and devoting herself to that cause.

She failed Nicky, but she won’t fail Billy or Tommy.

[catscraftsandcommentary]

I need Lambert/Milena in a Shrek AU.

Just imagine with me:

Duke de Roggeven insults a powerful wizard (we all know he would - he'd be lucky if it was only ONE) who then curses his daughters. All three of them.

(ETA: he pissed off Yennefer. Probably insulted her mixed elven heritage and/or her inability to have kids, so she went "alright. Let's see how you feel when YOUR daughters are inhuman and infertile monsters.")

By night, each of them transforms into a different non-human humanoid: Marta is a succubus (all her lust for power and a crown turned into a different kind of lust - and we'll pretend that succubi *can* live without sex, but they feel sick and hungry the whole time), Marika is an elf (still elegant and pretty, but inhuman enough to shock everyone - Marika didn't piss off Yennefer), and Milena is a witcher (Yennefer saw her strength and kindness and went "this suits you.")

Marta, of course, spends the entire time being FURIOUS at being some "sex obsessed half goat! I am the daughter of a DUKE! The ELDEST DAUGHTER! How dare she!" Marika isn't happy, per se, but she privately goes "it could be a LOT worse. I'll take it." Milena actually enjoys her new abilities - she's so strong! Her senses are much sharper! - and the eyes are rather pretty.

After being COMPLETELY HORRIFIED that his daughters (well, mostly Marta) are cursed to become non-humans by night, Duke de Roggeven locks them in a castle guarded by a dragon and then pretends that he's sent them abroad to stay with distant relatives.

Meanwhile, Marta is getting on EVERYONE'S last nerve with her constant bitching, Marika is trying to keep their lifestyle as pleasant as possible, and Milena...

Milena befriends the dragon. She thinks Villentretenmerth is fascinating, and when she learns that the three ladies who showed up to help the sisters are also dragons, she wants to learn as much as they can teach her.

(Marta refuses to acknowledge any of them. "I will not consort with beasts," she sniffs hautily, and locks herself in a private bedroom every night before sunset.)

So! Back in Redania, Duke de Roggeven has convinced everyone that Yennefer's line about "whoever breaks the curse will gain a treasure greater than gold or gems" means that they can gain literal treasure (and/or magical treasure) by rescuing and marrying his daughters, and not - to take an example COMPLETELY at random - their true love as a bride.

(Yes, true love is the cure. Of course it is.)

So the asshole king of Kaedwen hears about the supposed princess and holds a huge tournament - and Lambert shows up because "that fucker dumped a bunch of refugees in our mountains, the fucking bastard. Who does that?!"

Jaskier, being one of the refugees - and also a bard who can sense the potential for a good story - insists on coming with him. They 100% do the "Donkey won't stop singing until Shrek snaps at him to shut up - and then he hums" scene.

About five times.

(Geralt and Eskel either stayed home to help Vesemir manage the refugees or hang around the Kaedweni court to remind the king of his promise - and make sure he doesn't get any even WORSE ideas.)

(Lambert REFUSED to stay in Kaer Morhen when Vesemir was being bossy - "I get enough of him riding my damn ass during fucking winter, NO GODSDAMNED WAY." And his brothers very sensibly refused to let him stay in court longer than absolutely necessary because, uh, they've MET Lambert and they know exactly how badly it would go. So he gets rescue duty by default. At least the princess will be happy to get to Ard Carraigh and away from him. They send Jaskier with him to try to temper some of his, uh, Lambert-ness.)

Anyway! Lambert and Jaskier arrive at the tumbledown castle guarded by a dragon, and Jaskier is immediately like "oh how wonderful! How majestic! Look at that wingspan!" And Lambert is like "...remember how we're here to fight the bastard? We have to GET PAST HIM to rescue whatever noble bint got stuck out here."

Jaskier pouts.

Villentretenmerth finds all this terribly amusing, especially since he recognizes a witcher when he sees one. So he sticks his nose in their camp and asks (rumbles) "what makes you think that even a witcher can defeat the greatest and oldest of dragonkind?"

So Jaskier introduces them - as dramatically and fancily as possible - and states that they are here to rescue the princess.

Milena creeps out from Villentretenmerth's wing. "We are the daughters of the Duke de Roggeven, and there are three of us. I hope you will still take us home?"

Villentretenmerth sighs. This girl. Always getting underfoot. "I will let you take the ladies with you - but you must convince them to leave freely. If they refuse - now or later - I will take them back."

"He sent THREE girls to some remote fucking castle? Fucker. Yeah, I'll take you all. Jask, let's find 'em and get out of here."

So Milena leads them up to the tallest tower where her sisters spend their day. I can't decide if I want Marta to do the whole "sleeping beauty waiting for a kiss" thing (assuming that JASKIER is her princely rescuer and Lambert is just there as a guard.) If she does, she'll get a rude surprise when Lambert shakes her awake and tells her to pack anything she's taking with her, they're LEAVING.

So the guys get the ladies and lead them out - pretending to ignore the hissing and squabbling that said ladies are doing behind the men's backs - and are unhappily surprised AGAIN because not only are their rescuer(s) NOT a prince and his retinue, they don't even have HORSES.

The dragons, of course, are watching this with amusement...and no little relief at getting rid of Miss Complainer the Eldest.

I'm gonna say it takes less than two days for Marta and Lambert to have a truly nasty fight. She wants a horse. A private carriage, really, but she'll SETTLE for a horse. Purebred, obviously. And fashionable new dresses, and BATHS, and food cooked in an actual KITCHEN, and a private bedroom from sundown to sunrise, and...

Lambert is just like "look lady, I don't get any reward until I deliver you, I don't have the coin for any of that, and I wouldn't waste on stupid fucking luxuries if I did."

This does not go over well. At all. There are very angry words shouted about his lack of preparation, decorum, breeding, proper dress...the list is endless.

Lambert gives exactly zero shits.

Milena is watching the fight with interest - she finds him FASCINATING - and Marika is mostly trying to stay out of it. She agrees with Marta on most of the points - their tower-castle was reasonably comfortable, certainly more so than this long hike back to civilization - but also, freedom.

If only they were returning home instead of to a strange country...

Which is about when Villentretenmerth - as the human Borsch - walks into their camp, accompanied by the three dragon woman who have been tending to the sisters. "Marchionesses. Wolf. Bard. I warned you I would take the ladies back if they wished to leave your company."

"The TOWER is better than staying with this BARBARIAN," Marta sniffs. "And Father arranged for marriages for Marika and I already!"

(She knows she gets the crown prince - and she knows that Kaedwen's king is a murderous asshole. Being queen doesn't count if she's not alive to enjoy it...and she won't have allies there to help her plot regicide. She's ambitious, not stupid.)

Somehow, it works out that Borsch and his friends take Marta and Marika back while Lambert and Jaskier continue to Kaedwen with Milena. There is ABSOLUTELY a scene where Lambert is out hunting when bandits try to attack the supposedly unguarded noblewoman and bard, and Milena thoroughly kicks their ass.

Lambert runs back just in time to be HELLA aroused impressed at Milena. Jaskier is already composing an ode to her.

They arrive at Ard Carraigh. Stuck up knights send for the king, who pretends he's a decent person long enough to carry Milena off on a fancy horse. Half an hour later, just as Lambert is moping about losing his new friend, his brothers arrive and go "quick, where's the lady? We have to get out her out of here!"

A very confusing but short explanation-argument later, Eskel and Geralt are chasing after Lambert as he storms the royal palace BY HIMSELF, because like hell will he leave Milena to that monster!

The confrontation is absolutely the most dramatic thing Ard Carraigh has seen in decades, with the witchers storming in just after Milena is crowned but before she can kiss her new husband...

...whom Lambert immediately punches in the face. "HOW MANY WOMEN HAVE YOU KILLED?!? HOW MANY, ASSHOLE? Did you even bother to COUNT THEM?"

Everyone gasps. Eskel and Geralt keep the guards back with drawn swords.

"NO MORE! I *WILL NOT* let you murder Milena for your sick fucking games!"

The king tries to splutter something, but Lambert takes his head off before he can get it out.

And then the sun sets.

And Milena...changes.

Scars from her training with the dragons, greater muscles than any noblewoman should have, and her eyes...

She shrieks - not at the king's death or the witchers' violence, but at her own secret coming out. She's hidden it for so long, and so carefully...she'll never survive this. The Kaedweni court will turn her out, if they don't execute her with her (very briefly) husband -

And then Lambert takes her hand.

"Milena? Are you...okay? Did they hurt you? What happened?"

"I'm CURSED! My sisters and I are cursed - for years now!"

He looks at her. "Y'look fine to me. It suits you."

"Really?"

"I wouldn't lie to you. Never have, never will. And I think you look - good. Really good. The dress is kinda silly - "

Milena giggles. She thought the same thing, when her maids were lacing and buttoning her into the massive thing.

"But YOU are gorgeous. Always have been."

"You still like me? Even..."

"As mutated and scarred up as I am? I'd have to be a fool not to. You're the bravest, strongest, most amazing woman I've ever met."

And she kisses him. She has to, can't hold it back.

(Cue the curse breaking - and leaving her as a witcher.)

Obviously there's cleanup, but Milena IS the queen, and is suddenly betrothed to the man who killed the murderous previous king - so it works out.

And then Villentretenmerth comes back.

[hepaidattention]

okay, so I know I've heard some ppl say that JJ not being all in Kiara's space isn't believable. Though I do think that makes sense on surface level, because yes JJ has always been known to lack personal space, I have some arguments about it....

1) JJ has changed a lot from the character he was in s1. S1 JJ was very flirty, had not seen a lot less death, and didn't take a lot of things seriously. S1 JJ also never considered to have a shot with Kiara, ever, so his actions were not often thought through. He's not very comparable to s4 JJ.

2) JJ shows affection through hugs and like shoulder squeezes, but mostly through JB and Pope. He did hug Kiara on occasion, but when he did it was normally when he was hugging everyone or he was going through an emotional time and Kiara was comforting him. We have yet to see JJ go through anything emotional where Kiara could comfort him. When they almost died they were in serious pain and dying, and clearly didn't like to show affection with an audience (in the chamber pod). Which brings me to my next point.

3) Showing affection publicly is not for everyone, and every scene we have seen with jiara is them in public or with the pogues. Going from friends to lovers, especially while the rest of your friend group remains, makes changing your pda dynamic a little strange. Like I cannot imagine kissing my once best friend, now boyfriend, in front of a my other best friends. They'd tease and make fun, and it's just oddly embarrassing. The one time we see them be affectionate in public, the pogues literally make fun of them and it makes them stop kissing. I'm sure it just became habit to only be affectionate behind closed doors.

4) Kiara has never been a touchy feely character, and JJ has always respected that. We saw on multiple occasions through Pope that she did not want to be touched when she was going through stuff, and she often just never hugs ppl or gets up in their space unless there's a reason (like celebrating or comforting). I think JJ would naturally know not to cross boundaries that she had always had up, but also it's again, probably a habit not to. Even in the scene when she puts her hand on JJs shoulder, he looks at her like it's not normal for her to touch him like that. She does tap him a little, but if Kiara was a normally touchy feely character a pat on the shoulder would feel like a comfort little pat. Someone's who's love language is physical touch, would do that just because. someone's who's love language is NOT physical touch would never do that unless they were scared or sad, needing comfort. (my last love language is physical touch so I know from experience). JJ looks at her and then immediately sees the fear and sadness in her eyes, because the fact that she's showing any kind of physical touch was odd to him. Like it got his attention just because she touched him. That shows me, she doesn't often show physical affection unless she's in the right mood or is initiating it herself. JJ clearly just respects that part of her.

5) JJ went through a lot to finally admit to Kie that he loved her back, and a lot of it is JJ not thinking he's good enough. Just because he admitted his feelings, I still don't think that meant he suddenly got past all his insecurities and now just think he's worth it. I think we see Kie initiate most of their physical interactions also because JJ doesn't feel like he can, or should. He's still struggling with feeling worthy of kissing her or holding her hand, because he doesn't think he is. However, he does love her, and he knows she loves him, so really I think it's just Kiara being patient and reminding him constantly that he deserves to be loved too. I also think this next part of s4 will show us a lot of JJ overcoming his feeling that he's not worthy of love, considering he now knows the man who raised him was never even his father to begin with.

6) OBX has NEVER been a show to show a lot of pda. Jarah are the exception (bc they are THE couple for the show, the endgame no matter what), and even then we've seem them make-out very few times. Like. It's actually crazy how little kissing we've got from them considering it's JARAH. S4 did not give us a lot of content (in the phsyical realm) from any of the couples, actually, and I'm not that mad about it. The show has never been about that. It's always been about their relationship, how they care for each other. It's not a show that waste screen time on having the viewers watch some steamy scenes. The show is literally about friendship and treaure hunting lol

7) My final point... it has been almost 2 years since s3. Jiara has been together for almost 2 years. Most couples that are together for 2 years, have moved past the honeymoon stage by now. The excitement of new love has faded. JJs need to probably be in her bubble and constantly kiss her and constantly touch her, if that phase ever happened, has probably past and now has changed into a more just comfortable with each other stage. They're happy with each other, they're happy to just be around each other. 2 year mark for a relationship actually usually leaves couples with having to open up more emotionally, having to be vulnerable with each other, discuss their future like Jarah was demonstrating. And, considering what's going on with JJ, o wouldn't be surprised if that would be coming pretty soon.

[sometimeslapine]

[If You Can't Craft Your Rituals At Home…]

(mentions of inflation, setup for a story to come...)

She stood on the sidewalk, spending an inordinate amount of time just… staring at it. It was one of those kinds of things acting under rules you'd only ever hear mentioned in hushed rumors, yet the ruleset it flew by was overplayed enough to land itself as a named trope. Almost by intent, it was bland and easy to miss. Knowing of its existence wasn't enough; you had to be fully determined, stubborn beyond reason in hunting it down again and again, else that first time you stumbled across it as a matter of some convenient plot device would also be the last. It wasn't here yesterday, and if what her own research into the matter told her, it wouldn't be here tomorrow.

On that note, it was set to close in just under thirty minutes. The mid-autumn season already saw the sun's departure a few hours earlier, and the cool breeze that filled its place scattered leaves in some scratchy protest to the otherwise silent city block. Most everyone had the good sense to retire for the night by now, but time still ticked forward. She'd have to either swallow her pride and head on in, or she'd be forced to wait another twenty-nine to thirty days for this odd curio shop to migrate back to the only recorded appearance within driving distance.

what a hassle. how a place like this kept in business was beyond her.

★ ★ ★ ☾ ★

The door brushed against a bell chime as it opened, completely giving away the girl's hopes of entering unnoticed. she braced herself for the eccentric greeting a place like this should command, but… no hello, no welcome, just the ticking of some distant mechanical clock and a cat furred jet-black lazing about atop the register counter. Practically devoid of life, otherwise.

Sure was one hell of a sight to take in though, glancing around. The "thrift shop" description she was given by an internet friend sharing rumors was about as spot on as one could get. Tiny handmade trinkets of metal and leather, small wrapped bags of floral odds and ends, various bottles of multicolored liquids, a mix of bound books both aged and new, rough stones and polished gems, incense and tealight candles, the list could go on and on…

It's… one thing to read up on the occult from a distance. There's still some wild stuff someone studied enough as her could pull off with knowledge alone, but without any proper conduits or ritual equipment to better focus that will, even the full extent of a decade's worth of magik practice at her disposal was little more than cheap parlor tricks in comparison to what she was hoping to achieve one day. The atmosphere in this place was practically crackling with the arcane potential she needed, and it set her thoughts ablaze. Just imagine all the fun stuff she'd pull off with tools like these…

a separate train of thought reminded her once again to focus. exciting as it was to window shop, she was here on a very specific and personal mission, and likely only had enough on her to cover the cost of executing one singular plan. she very literally could not afford to be distracted right now.

focus.

Oh. Huh. She'd been absentmindedly wandering up and down the cluttered aisles, idly coming to a stop at a side wall of woodwind instruments. This… isn't helpful to her. Couldn't hold a tune to save her life.

Man, this place was a labyrinth. If only she knew what she was actually looking for.

Well, she /knew/ what she wanted, at least on some level, but with this layout so chaotic, finding anything specific would be like searching for a needle in a haystack. Should she try and track down whoever ran the place?? Hell, how does someone even ask for help executing a stunt like what she had planned without sounding like a complete weirdo.

Hm. Well… worst case scenario, she could prooooobably cobble together the needed reagents for some rougher, more excessive passes at some kinda body modification spells and just let a good old-fashioned air compressor do the rest of the work. Something to increase her body's elasticity, maybe? It's not fully self-sustaining, but the novelty factor alone sounded hot, and that wonderful pressure sensation she always imagined tagging along whenever she pictured herself slowly filling with air, growing rounder, larger, hollow to the touch and taut as a drum, would all be felt tenfold when filtered through the lens of an imperfect homebrew mess of a-

god, she's letting her mind wander again. /focus/.

Still, she knew what she needed to make it work. It really could work. So… saffron. Not the grocery store variety, but true high-grade saffron as a starter, and a fair amount of it. That stuff was derived from… crocus sativus, she was fairly certain? Currently in-season, at least. Surely this place would carry properly cultivated strains of it. As for the where, she recalled spotting some organized floral arrangements over on a low aisle near the entrance, off to the left a tad somewhere… backtracking… and… ah, there's th-

As she reached out towards one of the vases to grab a handful of stalks, she immediately felt a pair of eyes on her back, freezing her in place. (Metaphorically, she'd clarify, but the sudden imposing presence left her feeling speechless.)

A glance back at the counter. Someone's behind there. A jet-black silhouette, standing tall and obscured in shadow. She wasn't alone after all. The figure watched her movements with careful intent. Where have they been hiding this whole time?? It's still dead quiet in here, how did she not hear them settle into place???

She waved weakly to the supposed shopkeep, as a gesture of good faith. Weight shifting to lean against the countertop, they waved back with one hand in a half-hearted acknowledgement, resting their head against the other palm in a lazy, almost uncaring fashion. Yet that piercing, distrusting gaze remained unchanged, fixed on her position. It was the only thing actually visible under the wide brim of that pointed hat, all other details of their figure lost to the hazy penumbra.

She suddenly felt very self conscious.

She wasn't trying to shoplift, if that was their concern…? Wasn't good karma. And, hell, trying to pull one over on a mage, /especially/ one that had to work in the Nightmare That Is Retail was the easiest way to land yourself with a nasty hex or two. Service industry workers do not fuck around when they know they can punch back without consequence.

Secondly, the whole reason she was here was to fulfill some nonsense inflation kink of hers. Surely it was obscure enough an interest that she could pass this purchase off as something else, but what if they saw through that lie??

hey. she should probably say something.

Oh. Right. Shit. She's been locked in a mute staring contest for at least 90 seconds now. This isn't doing anything to help her case. Shit, shit-

"…Still just browsing for now! I'll be up shortly to check out," with a showy wave holding up a bushel of crocuses. How she worked that statement out without a voice crack, she'll never know. The only reaction her announcement received from the opposite end of the shop was a raised eyebrow of… Disinterest? Amusement? God, they were so unreadable.

★ ★ ★ ☾ ★

She eventually made her way up to the counter, placing down a haul of the crocuses (croquoi? crocusen?? weird word), along with some fresh lavender, a pack of myrrh incense, a few gemstones, some smaller unrecognizable odds and ends, and a worn-down air-aspected elemental charm for good measure.

Now was as good an opportunity as ever to try to get a read on this shopkeep. Some details of a long robe broke through, some particularly tangled and chaotically-messy hairstyle going down to the waistline, but the fine details were… still conceptually hazy, at best. Even up close, their entire figure was marred in a heavy shadow, save the eyes. It was almost surreal how well-executed the fecharis look was pulled off; Some illusion spell had to've been at play.

"Just… this stuff today," she recited with the kind of perfectly-measured cadence one only gets by rehearsing a line a few too many times.

There wasn't an immediate response from the shopkeep though, and it almost looked like they were sizing up her own worth, just as they were the things she was trying to buy.

"Wait here."

…Well, that's ominous. They finally speak up, and it's little more than a two-word instruction. Hell, she didn't even have time to deliver the prepared excuse for this purchase. She watched the figure head through a door on the back wall, presumably leading to some stock room, before returning and placing down a bottle of some milky-white opaque substance on the counter.

"Wh… what…" she trailed off, confused.

"Sap from the ficus elastica. A toxic reagent akin to latex, so handle with care. If you're doing what I think you're doing, you'll need to make something far more potent than the amped-up self-care relaxant you're about to craft."

A bolt of lighting shot upwards through her body. She just got read like a book, negged in the process, and struck with a burning fluster she could feel flush across her face doing nothing to hide those facts.

"Trust me. In my experience, it works leagues better," they said, with an almost reassuring tone. There was the faintest hint of a genuine, caring smile across the face, before that detail got lost in the haze again. "Consider it on the house."

'/In my experience/'… are they implying- wh- that's- …holy shit?? they're just as much of a freak as she is???

"Uh, T-thank you!" she replied back with a mix of embarrassment and excitement. God, this shopkeep was suddenly the most fascinating person she'd ever met. She absolutely needed to make a return trip some day. She had so much she wanted to discuss. The kinds of stuff she could learn from someone like them…

★ ★ ★ ☾ ★

The total was calculated, approximately $80, or just shy of it. Cash exchanged hands over now much-more-confident small talk, a pair of ones and some coins returned as change. A light-hearted matching of "Do come again soon!" and "Don't worry, I plan on it," with a laugh.

As she approached the front door, she turned back to give a final wave to th- Ah. They were gone again, probably off tending to something else. Geez, never knew a shopkeep's life could be so busy. Hey, looks like the cat's back though, small fuzzy shadow once again stretched out and lazing atop the-

…oh.

duh. she has some close friends who regularly pull that same stunt. should've been obvious.

Still… what an odd character. With a renewed spark of confidence in tonight's plans, she waved her goodbye to the creature watching over the shop and made the exit right as a clock started signaling the store's close with a chime.

Supplies now in hand, she absolutely could not wait to get home.

[scarlet--wiccan]

Scarlet Witch #3 is a stunningly beautiful piece of sequential art, and I'm still loving all of the growth and improvements I noted in last month's issue-- it's got better pacing and momentum, meaningful cast involvement, more well-realized magic, fresh takes on old concepts, and exciting new worldbuilding, all packed into the first three issues. Dauterman's interiors totally sold me on Lore's new look, and I thought she was just as uncompromisingly evil and delightfully menacing here as she was in the 90s.

But in a lot of ways, I kinda felt like this issue was treading water. I think Orlando has a really solid grasp on fluid, dynamic magical combat-- this gorgeous fight sequence joins the ranks of Wanda's previous battles with Dreamqueen, Hexfinder, and the Wicked Witch-- but Wanda's conflict with Lore was little more than a rehash of what is swiftly becoming a tired trope. Wanda is confronted with representations of her traumatic past, which she overcomes by calmly, confidently using therapy-speak to remind the reader that she's healed and moved on. We have seen this multiple times, in Scarlet Witch and other recent titles, but this sequence in particular felt like a drawn-out redux of a very similar beat, also set on the Witches' Road, from #13 of Scarlet Witch (2016).

In the end, Wanda chooses to literally rise above Lore's attempt to trap her. I understand, of course, that Wanda's urgent need to return to Lotkill takes precedence, but this is the second time in as many issues that she's opted to simply bypass a threat, rather than finishing it off.

And in a lot of ways, this undersells Lore's threat, and kinda wastes her potential. She is more than Wanda's dark mirror-- she actually poses a fascinating moral quandary. In Scarlet Witch (1994), Lore reminds Wanda that she was born in a different world, where magic follows different rules, and she has only ever been true to her nature. How, then, can she be judged? Then, the answer was simple-- Lore was a relentless predator and a threat to all life in the multiverse, so she had to be stopped. But now, in the Land of the Dead, Lore has found an environment where she can be true to herself without harming the living. One can imagine that Orlando's Wanda, who places so much value on transformative justice and the right to self-determination, would be happy to leave Lore to her own devices, but if all witches wind up in Lore's underworld when they die, then Wanda would potentially be condemning an entire community-- including her own family and ancestors-- to an eternity of torment.

So, what's the solution? I don't know, but I think that investigating it would be a much more interesting story that what we saw here. I really hope that Orlando has plans to revisit Lore, and that he's given the time and space to do so. If the series can actually remain focused on the world of witches and witchcraft, it shouldn't be difficult for him to circle back-- and I'm guessing that will be the case, based on what we know about the upcoming Amaranth arc. If Wanda can conjure a solution for Dreamqueen that allows her to survive while mitigating harm, I imagine she could do the same for her own variant.

As an aside, while I do appreciate what Orlando was doing by having Lore combine multiple terrors from Wanda's past into new nightmarish dreamscapes, I really don't like that this moment obscures the racial aspect of the violence Wanda experienced growing up in Transia.

[g0ttal0ve101]

Just Like Before

NOTE: lukai from mia narrative real 😽! this is so random but aye double upload this month cause the Halloween special 😝

⚠️tw: mentions of SA ⚠️

Mia Jacobs had been rough around the edges for as long as she could remember. No matter who stood in her way or what defied her, she was unbreakable. She never started fights but would end them her way, come Hell or high water. Most people called her bitchy and pissy, others called her much worse things. On one occasion, she had actually beaten Lindsey Hall’s ass, prom queen and little sister of everyone’s favorite valedictorian. That story usually scared people off, if not for the additional stories of her terrifying reign. Despite that enigma she insolated herself in on the outside, there was no doubting she had a heart of gold. It was hard to reach even to those closest to her, but once it was, there was no telling what lengths her generosity would go.

Seeing as she spent most of her time with her boyfriend, Carl, he was the prime recipient of her rare kindness. Unlike many before him, he appreciated being one of the only people on Earth who could say that Mia Jacobs tried her best to resolve any problem he had — down to little things like homework and driving lessons all the way to talking him out of suicide. (But that’s a story for another day.) This aspect of her character was, for the most part, overlooked or unseen by those who she willingly or unwillingly surrounded herself with.

What she didn’t know was that this trait would be playing a major role in her afternoon.

The day played out as any ordinary Sunday. Underneath the busted car she was working on, the late crisp September breeze put her in a better mood than usual. She thought about calling it a day and going to hang out with Carl for the rest of the night, but it just didn’t feel right to leave her progress in such an awkward position. She pushed on for another half hour before finally crawling out, grabbing her bottle of water and sighing heavily. Oil and grime decorated her gloves and left cheek as she tried moving the stray strands of blonde hair from tickling her nose. It was no use. As much as she loved having long hair to style, it could be irritating.

While finishing up her last sip, Mia suddenly caught the glimpse of a screen glare from the corner of her eye. She assumed Carl must be calling because he was bored or horny or sad or all of that combined, hurriedly grabbing her phone to pick up the call. Her suspicions were proven to be false once she saw the big user ID printed flat in front of her place, presenting her the opportunity to answer.

Lucian Williams. Truthfully, she didn’t even remember saving his number in the first place, but that didn’t stop her from picking up anyway.

“Uh, hello?”

“Hey, Mia…uh, are you busy?” His voice was shaky as though he was ready to burst into tears at any second.

Like mentioned before, Mia was instantly alerted of his distress and jumped the gun to fix it. “Not really — are you okay? You’ve literally never called me before.”

“Can you pick me up?” he blurted out.

Again, she answered without hesitation. “…Yeah. I’ll be there in five.”

“Okay.”

“Okay. See you then.”

Then she hung up. It was then she realized that her way of communicating was a little off compared to others. Rather than staying on the line and trying to feel for what she was getting into, she immediately agreed to get him and figure out everything in person. In her eyes, she knew it could be perceived as “weird” behavior — in reality, it was more intimidating than weird.

Mia set out onto the slick road with puddles of water splashing against the freshly clean truck. It wasn’t hers so she could care less about what it looked like when she gave it back since the client was kind of a douchebag — he couldn’t keep his eyes off her tits for a minute even while talking to her — and needed to be reminded of his place.

When she pulled into the gravel driveway of Lucian’s home, she couldn’t help but feel a tinge of envy. The little blue house was beautiful, decorated by wind chimes, various pots of flowers, and a bunch of garden ornaments, too. It was warm and welcoming, which reflected Lucian for the most part. Maybe that’s what it was. Lucian was just too pretty himself to reside anywhere less. Before she was able to take in his precise decoration status, the front door swung open. It surprised her enough to jump back.

“Jesus. You scared the hell outta me.” Mia said in response to her heart flying out of her chest..

Lucian rushed down the porch steps and to her side. “Sorry…do you need to get home at a certain time?”

“You act like someone’s gonna bust my balls over it.”

“Well, Carl…”

Mia scoffed from the mere suggestion. “Trust me, he’ll be fine for a few hours. Now tell me what this is all about. I’m guessing Kai isn’t around?”

Jumping into the passenger seat of the car, both Mia and Lucian were hit with the overwhelming scent of cigarette smoke. “…Yeah. Is this your truck?”

Fixing her hair in the rear view mirror as she waited for him to get settled in, Mia laughed. “One of my client’s. It’s pretty nice, huh?”

“Other than the smell.”

“Yeah, stay away from cigarettes or I’ll beat your ass,” she joked with a sly smile.

Once Lucian was secured in with a seatbelt, they started their way down the street. She didn’t know where he wanted to go and honestly, didn’t care much either, so she figured any corner was safe ground to hit. Despite this, Lucian seemed nervous enough to present his explanation. “Is it okay if we just drive around a little? I don’t really want to go anywhere, I just needed to get out of that house.”

Again, a vague statement, but Mia took it. “Oh, I don’t care. I was kinda hoping I could ride this bad boy around a little bit anyway, haha! Besides, it’s the least I can do. You’ve never asked me for anything else.”

“Actually…can we stop by the liquor store?”

“You got liquor money?” Mia sarcastically asked, figuring that he was joking or something. But once she saw those eyes, she knew that he wasn’t.

He laughed nervously. “I didn’t bring my wallet for nothing…”

Not in a hundred years did Mia think she’d hear something like this come from Lucian’s mouth. There were some rumors she heard down the grapevine that Lucian used to have a problem with drinking in middle school, so much so that he actually had to be admitted to a hospital after being found completely unconscious and unresponsive in his ex-boyfriend’s bathroom. Mia always thought it was an outlandish idea. She couldn’t picture Lucian taking a sip of liquor, let alone downing so much that it caused him to be hospitalized. But after hearing this, she couldn’t help but wonder if that story was true.

Clicking her tongue, she tried to think of the nicest way to say what she was thinking. It did her no good.

“What do you like?”

“Whiskey. Sometimes tequila.”

“Is that what landed you in the hospital the last time you drank?”

Lucian froze. Evident by his wide eyes, he didn’t know that information reached her, otherwise he probably wouldn’t have asked her the favor in the first place.

His answer came out shakier than he wanted it to. “I was fourteen when that all went down, y’know? I was just being irresponsible…I can definitely handle it now.”

“Yeah?”

That wasn’t a good sign. Not at all. He tensed up before she even got another word out.

“I’m gonna be honest. You can bat your eyelashes and sweet talk me all you want, but at the end of the day, I won’t let you go off and make dumb decisions. I’ll put it this way — would Kai want you to start drinking again?”

She didn’t think she was too rough, but alas, tears streamed down his face anyway. She should’ve figured that would happen — Lucian wasn’t the best at handling someone being snippy with him.

“No,” he muttered with the eyes of a lost puppy. “I’m sorry. Forget it.”

It was hard to keep her cool. Mia wanted to shake him around and ask him what was wrong so that she didn’t feel so helpless, but she knew that would only end in disaster. She had to be tactful in the way she spoke to him. He wasn’t like Carl who was willing to give up any and all information to her at the snap of her fingers. He was more reserved than that.

Understanding this, she pulled into one of the many deserted parking lots she knew of. Usually she took Carl here so they could stargaze and talk about sentimental things, so she figured it’d make a nice setting for her to get to the bottom of…whatever the hell was going on with Lucian. Nothing about him was normal at that point. His eyes, his hair, his voice, his posture, everything was just throwing up hazard signs. Mia recognized them almost instantaneously upon seeing him walk out of the house.

Lucian, appearing uneasy with the sudden stop they were making, fixated his gaze toward the freshly-clean floor. Once the engine reared off, the sound of crickets began ringing louder than ever. Mia twirled the keys around her index finger while trying to think of what to say. Again.

“You wanna talk about it?” Her voice was softer than he’d ever heard it before. “You don't have to if you don't want to.

Sniffling, he wiped his tears away with his sleeve for a third time. “It’s embarrassing…”

“I won’t judge.”

Lucian swallowed against the lump in his throat and rubbed his forearms in an attempt to subconsciously comfort himself. “…Kai, uh…Kai got upset with me last night, I think. He left when I was sleeping and just didn’t come back…won’t answer my calls either.”

It took less than a second for Mia to respond. “Why’d he get upset?”

Lucian knew all too well.

/—/—/—/—/

It was the first time he felt this way. Underneath the piles of blankets and sheets he had on his bed to protect himself during the night, Lucian was half naked and bleeding at the mercy of Kai’s teeth and tongue. It was wonderful. Despite staining the mattress red and having a hard time regulating his shallow breaths, he couldn’t help but feel that strangely distinct yet distant sensation rising within himself. Kai looked better than ever. Hotter than ever.

“What’re you squirming around for?” Kai hummed, grabbing at his hips and applying the slightest amount of pressure on them to ensure he wasn’t getting up. “Does it hurt?”

None of the wounds felt like anything. The adrenaline zipping through his veins made him feel like he was floating and the dopamine rush was making him feel like he wanted more than just a bite.

“N-No,” Lucian murmured.

His rapid breaths caught Kai’s attention. “You sound like a scared little bunny-rabbit. You hear that?”

Sliding his slender hand up Lucian’s ribcage and onto his left pec to feel his heartbeat, Kai’s smile seemed to be wider than ever. His teeth were stained red, his hair was disheveled, his eyes were eager, but God Lucian could only focus on his touch.

“You’re getting all hyper just for me.”

Lucian laughed nervously. “Is it really that noticeable?”

Kai smirked. “What, your heartbeat or…?”

The joke nearly flew over his head. With a bright red face and an even faster heartbeat, he clenched his legs close together and whined playfully.

“Aww, don’t be like that.” Kai’s hands reached both his bare shoulders as he leaned in to whisper in his ear. “It’s cute.”

“Kaaaiii…”

Lucian didn’t have a chance to complain before he was captivated by that feeling again. Kai’s tongue grazed up his neck and toward his ear as he giggled, obviously trying to get his boyfriend to ease up a little. After a few more hickeys and tons of kisses, he finally gave in.

His once shallow breaths became airless begging as he placed both of his palms against Kai’s shoulder blades, letting him have full access to his upper body. And as always, Kai gave him what he wanted.

“I wonder what your organs look like in that little tummy,” he hummed. Pulling out his favorite pocket knife, he placed it right above Lucian’s belly button. The cold blade made him shiver. “So pretty, I bet…so, so pretty.”

Lucian grabbed at the arm wielding the knife. “Not too deep, okay? It’ll hurt.”

That playful expression Kai once wore fell instantaneously after hearing such a thing. His eyes widened like saucers. “I love you. I’ll be nice, I promise. I love you very, very much.”

His voice made him melt. “I love you too.”

As the last syllable came from his mouth, Kai slid the blade just hard enough to draw blood. Lucian didn’t even realize it was already over until Kai lurched down to play with it a little, smiling like an idiot. His adrenaline numbed any sort of pain it might have caused.

“You squirm when you’re nervous.”

“…I’m sorry.”

“No.” Kai’s lips met the wound as he locked eyes with Lucian. “I like it, bunny.”

bunny.

In the matter of seconds, something switched. The arousal Lucian once felt melted into pure terror as he felt Kai’s kisses lowering dangerously close to the elastic of his pajama pants. It didn’t feel good anymore. It felt like at any second, he’d hear the zipper or smell the alcohol or feel the painful sensation of a hand wrapped around his throat. And to think that it was happening again, Lucian’s breathing hitched and wavered rapidly. He didn’t move or say anything — he just stared at the ceiling and tried to regain control over his mind.

Squeezing him tighter and forcing himself to shut his eyes, Lucian attempted to return to normal. He told himself to picture a puppy frolicking across a colorful meadow, peaceful and happy just to be alive. When that didn’t work, he tried to imagine going to the beach and putting his feet in the water while watching the sunset. Again, to no avail. Every scenario he tried to eject himself in spat him right back out into the same memory he was trying to escape. And for the first time in forever, he started to slip.

The smell of alcohol in his stepfather’s heaving breaths as he grinded his hips against him was something he couldn’t forget. It was so vivid in his mind, yet so vague. So real, but so far away. It happened so many times that the memory complied itself into one big rotting mess inside his brain. Sometimes he’d be face down against the mattress, sometimes it was against the shower wall, and sometimes he’d just be on the floor without any recollection of where or how it started. Sometimes he was twelve. Sometimes he was five.

But those dark eyes never altered.

Kai might’ve said something. Lucian couldn’t hear it. It wasn’t until he pulled away completely that he realized something was wrong.

“Lu?”

When Kai’s voice finally reached him, Lucian’s mind became a clean slate again. Though temporary, it felt more than relieving. However, no matter how hard he tried to look him in the eyes, Lucian avoided it at all costs. And though he was bad at reading faces, Kai understood it.

Shifting himself off Lucian’s hips, Kai straightened his posture and tried his best to keep his cool.

“Hey, hey, it’s just me…”

Lucian hadn’t noticed the tears trickling down his face until he heard his words come out airless and shaky. “S-Sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

Kai reached to wipe his face off but retreated the gesture when he saw Lucian’s subtle flinch. It dug into him deeper than any blade could go. “I don’t like it when you cry, Lucian. I really don’t. Please stop.”

While this might seem ignorant to outsiders looking in, these words carried heavy weight between the couple. On any other day, Kai relished in making people suffer. He was a sadistic and apathetic individual at heart — heart-wrenching sobs and cries tended to be music to his ears. But not Lucian’s. It could never be Lucian’s.

“Did I hurt you? Are you crying because it hurts? I’ll fix it for you. I’ll make it better.”

Choking on every syllable that left his mouth, Lucian’s words were distorted into sobs and hiccups. “It’s okay. I-I’m fine,” he whimpered, trying to keep his lungs from collapsing.

“Are you scared of me?”

Kai’s face said it all. In that moment, Lucian realized how badly he fucked up. Kai was terrified to be perceived that way by somebody he loved — by Lucian. He expressed his fear of being perceived as dangerous time and time again and yet, Lucian was crying and trembling in his grasp.

“…I didn’t mean to scare you,” he said. His voice was so low, Lucian could hardly hear it. “I love you so much.”

“Kai, I—!”

“C’mere.”

Kai pulled him close before he could even open his arms to welcome his embrace. Both of his hands, warm and soft, rested against Lucian’s shoulder blades, but that fuzziness that inhabited his stomach during times like these was no longer there.

Rather than resting his forehead against Kai’s chest and dozing off like he usually would, Lucian remained still. He didn’t know what to do. His stomach was bleeding through his shirt, his eyes wouldn’t stop producing tears, his heart was pounding, and his mind was in a spiral. He didn’t know what to think or say or anything, really. All he could think of was Kai’s face when he asked that horrible question.

are you scared of me?

Lucian wanted to scream and rip his hair out. It had nothing to do with Kai. It was all his fault. If he could just tell him why, tell him everything he’s gone through, tell him anything, then all of this could’ve been avoided.

But he remained silent.

/—/—/—/—/

“So he was touching up on you, you got freaked out, and — no offense — but he didn’t really fucking help you, and somehow you’re in the wrong here? Bullshit.”

Knowing she was ready to bash Kai’s head in, Lucian rushed to his defense. “I mean, what else could he have done? I was acting like an idiot and he didn’t know what was going on. Everything was going so smoothly before that and I…”

“Okay, okay, so he was kissing you?”

“Yeah. Kissing me.”

“Where?”

Appearing confused but intrigued by her line of questioning, Lucian took a deep breath. “My neck at first. He likes giving me love-bites sometimes, haha…”

Anyone with eyes could see that. The patches of dark hickeys across his collarbones and throat were kind of hard to miss since his skin was so pale. Telling by the way he spoke about them, Mia assumed Lucian had no idea how noticeable they really were. It was sort of funny in a way.

“But then he moved down to my tummy and started kissing one of my fresh cuts.”

“Cuts from what?” Her voice suddenly became serious. “Lucian, I will beat your ass if you’re hurting yourself.”

“What?! No! It was a stray cut!” he assured her, purposefully leaving out the part where Kai inflicted the wound himself. (He wouldn’t call it a kink, but they were both seriously into it.)

“It had better be.”

Subtly changing the subject back to the original point before she asked too many questions, he sighed. “I’m telling you he didn’t do anything wro—!”

Hushing him by placing her index finger against his lips, she shook her head. “Lemme figure this out for you. You guys were making out and on the verge of fucking, right?”

Bashfully looking off, Lucian recalled the engraved memory out loud. “No, never. Well, not never, but not yet at least. Wh-What I mean to say is that he hasn’t gotten all excited for me like that before, okay? This was the first time! Probably the last time too…” His saddened voice trailed off with a sigh. “Anyway, we weren’t going to do anything. He was just pampering me and being all cute. I was enjoying it, I-I really was.”

“What do you think caused you to freak out then, babe?”

Biting his tongue, Lucian’s face was redder than Mia had ever seen it. “I guess maybe it was how I couldn’t see his face anymore since it was against my tummy, or that maybe the kisses felt too much like…back then. I don’t know. It’s not like he’s never kissed me down there before.”

It was a tough situation. Mia couldn’t help but feel for him. Not too long ago, she was in the same predicament herself, trying to figure out how to deal with her trauma while still maintaining a healthy relationship with Carl. There wasn’t much advice she could think to give him in that aspect considering it was a unique process for everyone, but she wanted more than anything to assure him that she was there as support.

“…Well, there is one thing that might have caused it.”

Mia’s head perked up. “What?”

Playing with his shirt, he avoided her eyes again. “Whenever he calls me Bunny, I kind of think about…my stepdad.”

The mere mention of that man stiffened the air. As far as she knew, nobody was granted the opportunity to know anything about him — not even Kai himself. To know that he felt comfortable enough to even mention his existence in her presence indicated just how much he trusted her. It was a nice feeling, but terrifying at the same time. Why her? Why not Kai?

Mia calculated every syllable that came from her mouth so intentionally that it felt like she was talking in slow motion. “That must’ve been really scary then, Lu. You’re way better than me. If I were you, Carl probably wouldn’t have any teeth.”

The subtle humor and praise interwoven with her reply helped Lucian crack a smile again. Even if it was weak, it was a sign she was doing something right.

“I dunno. At least you try to protect yourself, right?” he murmured.

Her heart squeezed. It was true, she always tried to defend herself. And to think Lucian’s first instinct was to just take it without a fight…

It was too much for her to think about.

“I guess this is pretty dumb on my part, huh?” Lucian said shakily. “Kai has no idea about any of it. My parents, my stepdad, my biggest fear…I hid it from him. Now it’s coming to kick me in the ass and all I can do is cry. I’m such an idiot…”

Grabbing his arm, Mia pulled him close to give him a hug. He was more tense than usual, but still embraced her tightly and planted his forehead against her shoulder. She felt his fast heartbeat and sighed. Poor thing.

“You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Not me, not Kai, none of us. Do you understand?”

“But—!”

“Listen to me, Lucian.”

Their eyes met. Lucian was on the verge of tears again.

“I know this might sound crazy coming from me but in my opinion, you two are gonna get married one day. Seriously. So, who cares if he doesn’t know yet? You have plenty of time to ease him into it and prepare yourself.”

Lucian’s breathing steadied a little more. It was working.

Releasing him from her tight grasp, Mia planted her hand against the top of his head and pushed his bangs off his forehead. “That boy praises the ground you walk on, okay? Do you really think that’s gonna change because you tell him about your past? Seriously, do you believe that?”

It was a supposedly hard question for Lucian. He furrowed his eyebrows and dabbed his sleeves just beneath his waterline to collect the excess tears that were fighting to fall with a pitiful sniffle. Following that, he shrugged.

“I’m just…I’m scared that he’ll look at me completely differently. I mean, I’m afraid what he’ll think when he finds out I’m not a virgin, Mia. If he found out another man already took it from me…what would he think? I’m scared. I know it’s stupid, but I am.”

“It’s not stupid,” Mia assured him. “I was scared of the same exact thing.”

“…You too?” His eyes were wide. And although he didn’t specify what the question was inferring, Mia instinctively answered.

“Yeah. My brother raped me when I was six, so it’s not like I had a chance to choose when I lost my virginity either.”

Mia had almost forgotten how sympathetic Lucian could be before she saw the flood of tears streaming down his face. There was no use now — that boy was bound to sob his eyes out before this conversation was over. That was okay. It made Mia feel good that he felt safe enough to do so.

“It’s not fair!” he whimpered, covering his face out of shame. “You shouldn’t have t-to feel like that…!”

“You shouldn’t have to feel that way either,” Mia emphasized. She pulled his arms away from his face so she could see his eyes again. “That’s what this is about, right? You went through it too?”

Lucian’s expression read like he had seen his entire family get murdered in cold blood right before his eyes. Somehow he grew paler and colder to the touch, his trembling body seeming more fragile than ever before. Mia recognized that look. She hated it more than anything.

“…Mhm,” he mumbled. He couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud.

Mia’s expression remained unwavered. She knew if she reacted even in the slightest negative manner, he’d be completely shattered.

“And you’re still the coolest guy I know,” Mia hummed.

“…Really?”

“Really. I don’t think anything less of you. Do you think any less of me?”

“O-Of course not!”

“Do you think Kai would think less of me?”

“Honestly?”

“Honestly.”

“No,” Lucian airlessly laughed. “No! He wouldn’t at all! He’d probably just give you that one look he makes when he feels bad a-and ask me what he should do to make you feel better.”

Weakly smiling, she turned the question back around. “So if you tell him, what do you think he’d do?”

Lucian hesitated this time. Slowly but surely, that same smile reappeared on his face as he wiped his tears. “I dunno. I think he’d be really upset…n-not at me, but…I dunno. I don’t want him to see him like that.”

“It’ll be okay, cariño. Trust me. I’m sure Kai just needs some time to cool off, yeah? He’ll be back in your arms soon. Knowing him, probably tonight.”

“…You think so?”

“I know so.”

And with that off his chest, Lucian’s mood improved almost immediately. He wiped away all his tears and rolled down the window, leaning his head out to catch some breeze through his hair. To top it all off, there was a subtle smile on his face. Pretty.

The conversation varied from there going back and forth about how their lives were fluctuating since they’ve last seen each other. They talked about all the kills they racked up, how they should plan another date to catch predators, and gave each other advice on how to clean up bodies (Lucian was surprisingly good with that kind of thing) and what other torture methods they could use (Mia was unsurprisingly good with that kind of thing). Before they hit the road again, however, Lucian decided to backtrack toward the original conversation they had.

“I know this is gonna sound really weird, but…how did you, like…stop being scared of having sex?”

It was laughable. Cocking her eyebrow upward and smiling from the mere thought of that being a concern, she answered as truthfully as possible. “Where is this coming from?”

Lucian bounced his leg nervously. “…It’s hard to explain.”

Now things were starting to make more sense. Tapping her finger against the wheel, she examined Lucian’s expression. He sat there terrified, practically rubbing off all his nervousness onto Mia.

“Well, everybody’s different. It’s not some sort of mental switch where you can just turn it on and off, y’know? For me, I felt better taking the more dominant role so that I knew I was in control of everything that happened. I’m still like that with Carl I guess, but it’s different with him. Way different.”

Her sly smile and the click of her tongue told a story on its own. Lucian was foolish enough to ask for more details.

“Different how?”

“Not that you care, but Carl has a dick. Like, he’s a whole ass dude. Usually I get with women.” Pulling back her hair into a quick bun, she continued to explain the difference. “To say I was pretty fucking scared to do anything with him is an understatement. I just fronted like I wasn’t. Not saying that’s what you should do, but that’s what I did.”

Lucian nodded sheepishly. “Yeah, that’s understandable…”

With a smirk, Mia gave Lucian a hefty pat on the back. “Are you asking me this stuff because you wanna do it with Kai?”

He blushed. “Eventually, I think.”

“Hahaha!”

“W-Why’re you laughing?!”

Covering her mouth to shut herself up, she took a deep breath to recover from her sudden burst of energy. “¡Que mono! Lo siento, lo siento…debería haberlo sabido que esto eventualmente sucedería.”

Lucian furrowed his eyebrows. “C’mon...I can’t understand what you said, but I’m guessing you’re teasing me.”

“No, dummy. I’m saying that it was inevitable. I mean, you guys are always on top of each other hugging and kissing and whatever the hell you do — biting?”

Low blow, but painfully true.

Lucian folded his arms and stuck his nose in the air playfully. “We do wound-to-wound blood transfusions, yeah. I mean, he’s bitten me just about everywhere by now other than my, y’know…”

“Ass?”

. . .

“He has not bitten my ass before, no.”

“Maybe you should try it. He’s clearly running outta room on your neck.”

“Mia!”

Practically dying from laughter, Mia lurched over the wheel. Lucian tried to convince himself that it wasn’t funny, but the stupid smile stuck on his face said otherwise. She was pretty good at doing that to him.

“Esos dientes de ese chico me asustan...si te chupara la polla entonces estarías jodido, haha!”

“Wh-What?”

“I said you two are super duper cute together and Kai, uh, Kai has a super nice smile.”

Lucian squinted his eyes. “Tell me what you really said.”

“Uh, invite me to the wedding?”

“Mia!”

/—/—/—/���/

When Lucian stepped out of the truck and into the driveway, all of the warm security from their conversation wore off. Mia said her loving goodbyes, giving him a big hug and preaching that this support system would always be in place. He thanked her a million times, but not before realizing he didn’t give her any money for gas. He tried to stop her before she pulled out the driveway but she purposely ignored him, playfully honking her horn and waving her hand out the window. Again, he found himself smiling like an idiot.

The door shut behind him with a loud thud as he let out a dreaded sigh. Everything about that place was suffocating without Kai being there to ease his thoughts. Initially, he planned to check every lock to help him relax a little, but once he realized that one of the windows was wide open, he knew it was pointless. Somebody was already in there with him.

“Kai?” His voice was shaky but clear, reverberating against every wall in the house. “Kai, I’m home. Where are you?”

Like a deflated balloon, his confidence and enthusiasm began to shrink. He sighed and began untying his shoes on the floor, hoping by the time he was done that Kai would say something back. But alas, nothing.

It wasn’t until Lucian’s eyes wandered from his laces and to the hardwood floor that he saw a pair of big combat boots standing inches from him. He gasped and jumped back in surprise.

When their eyes met, it felt magical. Lucian’s once chilled heart melted back into his original state as he scrambled to his feet and launched himself into Kai’s open arms. The sensation of Kai’s skin making contact with his skin and warming it up again was far beyond any pleasurable experience he ever had. It almost brought tears to his eyes — if he hadn’t cried so much that night, he probably would’ve.

“I missed you so much…”

“I missed you too, Lu. I’m sorry I left.”

Lucian’s face scrunched up in joy once his eardrums were pleasantly rewarded by the sound of his soft voice again. “It’s okay! I left too, so now we’re equal! Let’s eat dinner a-and watch a movie and cuddle!”

When he pulled away to see Kai’s expression, his heart sank. No smile was present on his face whatsoever despite being reunited. For some reason, he looked nervous. Lucian took a few steps back.

“Kai?”

“C’mere.” Kai reached for his hand and led him into the darkness of the house, unbothered by the lack of light. Lucian struggled to keep up.

After trekking up their staircase and turning the corner, they stood in front of their bedroom. Kai released his hand and fidgeted with the rings on his fingers for a second, swinging the door open and supposedly inviting Lucian in. He followed.

Lucian noticed the big fortress of sheets and blankets in the middle of the room first. It was decorated with fairy lights and organized with every pillow and stuffie Kai could’ve possibly found laying around. The mere sight overwhelmed him with a strange amount of nostalgia. Whenever they were younger, they’d make pillow forts all the time — binge candy, watch movies, talk shit, everything and anything two middle schoolers would do. Back then, everything seemed much simpler. Neither of them knew what the other went through. Neither of them had to worry about it.

Everything falls back on their past now. Lucian knows how to treat Kai with the reminder of his tragic past. But Kai knew nothing about him and could hardly piece together the pieces he left behind. It was a mess. He was a mess.

“Thank you, Kai. You’re the sweetest.” Lucian’s voice was gentle as he pulled his boyfriend close for another sensational embrace.

Kai relaxed in his arms for a moment or two before wriggling away. “Go inside, Lu.”

Obeying his orders, Lucian got onto his hands and knees and crawled inside.

The interior looked like how he’d imagined it — various different patterns from the sheets and blankets holding the roof up with warm lighting and a soft covering for the floor. Lala (Lucian’s favorite stuffed animal) was propped against his pillow with care alongside a colorful slip of paper.

The writing was done with purple crayon (Lucian’s favorite color). And although it could’ve been mistaken for a toddler’s doodles, Lucian understood immediately that this was his boyfriend’s best work. He slowly paced his eyes on every letter.

4 luciAn

im sory 4 makeng U cry lAst nite i dont wAnt U 2 b scArd of me i wil nevr do it AgAin Am sory 4 it

i love U luciAn so lots

xoxoxoxoxo

On the bottom, Kai had attempted to draw the two of them holding hands with a bunch of hearts around their heads. Lucian teared up and probably would’ve cried if he hadn’t done so earlier that night.

It was a big deal. Lucian knew this must’ve taken him a long time. He knew how much Kai hated writing and reading or really doing anything that involved a pencil and paper. By holding this crinkled paper in his hand, ripped in various spots from the amount of times he had to erase, Lucian knew he had put everything he had into making it up.

“Kai, come here.”

Kai, standing outside of the fort bashfully, crawled inside with a bright red face. He looked like at any second, he was going to explode. Lucian couldn’t help but grin like an idiot, his eyes full of adoration.

“I wrote that for you,” Kai murmured. Again, he was fidgeting with his rings to try and make himself feel better. “Can you read it?”

“Mhm! You did so good, honey!”

“…I did?”

“Yeah! I understood all of it! I’m gonna keep this forever!”

Concealing his mouth behind his palm, Kai practically vibrated with excitement from the praise he received. Lucian pulled him close again, only this time, he was able to comb his hands through the ebony curls on the back of his head. Kai wrapped his arms around his shoulders in return.

“…Are you still scared of me?” Kai asked with an audibly hard swallow.

“No, never.” Lucian whispered into his ear, causing him to physically shudder from how close his voice was to his eardrums. “I’m sorry for making you feel that way, honey.”

They pulled away and looked into each other’s eyes. Neither of them were very fond of eye contact, so whenever this did happen, it usually came right before they started kissing. Lucian’s butterfly-diseased stomach begged him to get on with it and let all his worries pass over, but his mind refused it.

“…Kai.”

“Yeah?”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Mhm.”

Lucian bit his lip a little and looked away. “Would you ever date somebody who wasn’t a virgin?”

It was painfully obvious what he was getting at. But with Kai being Kai, he didn’t notice in the slightest.

“Like, they got fucked by someone else or they fucked someone else?”

“Either…?”

Kai shrugged. “I wouldn’t mind it, I think. I’d just want the other guy dead.”

All the weight on his shoulders was uplifted. Lucian nodded and smiled a little to himself, fidgeting with his sleeve as he scooted closer to Kai. “Yeah. That makes sense.”

. . .

“We should have sex on our honeymoon.”

The soul left Lucian’s body the moment he said that. With his eyes bulging out of his head, he waited for further explanation — not that he would be able to say anything if Kai didn’t elaborate anyhow.

Tapping his finger against his chin, Kai looked toward the ceiling with a red face. “Y’know, like in all those old movies. Unless you never wanna do it. That’s fine, too.”

“N-No! I do!”

“You do?”

“Of course I do, wh-when we’re totally married and old and stuff! I-I mean…do you?”

Kai processed the question longer than anticipated. With a warm smile on his face, he narrowed the wide space between them a little and nodded. “When we’re totally married and old and stuff.”

Grabbing his chin, he gently pressed their lips together. It felt just like before.

[atopvisenyashill]

i totally get wanting women to be friends, but the more the story unfolds, the more the insistence on rhaenyra and alicent's relationship harms the narrative as a whole

I'm once again yelling that they should have done Regina/Snow from OUAT but better (not that this is a high bar to clear bc ouat sucked shit) and gay instead *gestures* whatever it is they're doing with this. It would have worked with every single theme they're trying to do with Alicent without this kind of weird "this is a story about how women's agency is taken away from them but we will take every moment from the books where the characters attempt to flex their power and give it to a man" thing they keep doing. Because I think the issue ultimately stems from the initial change to making Alicent Rhaenyra's best friend - because they're so dead set on neither woman having a single other friend except each other, it often strands them alone in the narrative in very weird ways even when they're like, just objectively not stranded alone. I think we saw that most egregiously with Rhaenyra last season and now we're seeing the effects of it this season on Alicent - she just doesn't have enough scenes with Helaena and it's incredibly frustrating when her relationship with Helaena is clearly the one that Alicent wants to be the most gentle with, it's the relationship Alicent has always wanted, I think if you asked Alicent herself she would say Helaena is her favorite child but we just don't get to see it at all.

I don't think it's necessarily that their relationship "harms" the narrative, I think making one of the emotional focal points be the relationship between the two queens, the two faces of their factions, is a good decision (and one imo that George himself agrees with) but I think this is an aspect where they just need more time to tell the story - the sept scene for example is soooo fucking clumsy when it would have been so easy to have Rhaenyra call for a parlay, Alicent to agree to it over Aemond's objections (maybe she just goes by ship with help from Larys, maybe we get Dreamfyre and Helaena helping her get to the parlay point, maybe she talks Aegon into agreeing), and have the conversation work that way. Or like, the fact that they both have a cut at the same spot is really interesting and I thought the riot was well handled (Helaena stopping to reach for her mother and Alicent throwing herself between the crowd and Helaena was genuinely some amazing blocking) but then Alicent in this episode was so......bleh. Her reaction was too understated, the reason she was in the wood was too handwavey, and I'm reminded of all the kvitching @kingcunny does about how Certain Stans get really caught up in how beautiful Olivia is that it kinda wraps right back around to ableism, as if the reason Alicent's story is tragic is because she's beautiful and not because like, she's a child bride lol. It just felt like a way to show off how much Olivia can face instead of giving her something really meaty to dig into and show off her acting chops. Llike all the guessing about how maybe it was Alys in the water, maybe there's some mommy fucking stuff going on, maybe it was Rhaenicent related, and then it was literally just a scene of her looking miserable in the water. All style no substance when it could have had more substance if they just had like, 90 minute episodes or 13 episodes ya know.

[whomstress]

What it Takes to Feel Real (Part 2)

[Part 1] So this was only supposed to have 2 chapters but I can't help myself and took advantage of my chronic insomnia and wrote until 5 am to finish this chapter. The next next fic I write after this will be very wholesome promise, but this ones a major angst if you couldn't tell from the last chap lol. SO anyway next chapters last one! Oh and it's a doozie.

It’s been a year of being on and off, and eventually a fully fledged couple, to get him to really open up to her. She was his confidant, and he was hers. But it was different with him. Ragatha, though really not liking to bother anyone in the slightest, did occasionally let someone know if she was a little bit down or worried about something if someone had caught on. She’d gotten better at it since being with Jax, but she's still a people-pleaser at heart, rarely wanting anyone to worry for her.

Jax, on the other hand, never gave the slightest clue to his being in a bad place. Sure, he didn’t hide it when he was annoyed or angry, but anything deeper than that, and if someone even mentioned it to him, he’d find a way to make them back off as quick as he could.

Ragatha had always been different about it, though. As much as he wanted her to back off, especially when they were not as close, she may have stopped asking verbally but made sure to be watching him from the corner of her eye, and if things got worse, she made sure to check on him even if he hated it. He appreciated it.

Well, for the most part, when she finally got through to him, he would “allow” her to comfort him. He’d let her into his room or come into hers, most of the time at some hideous time in the middle of the night, where not a soul could see them, and sit silently in his presence. Every time he wouldn’t say a word and wouldn’t let her touch him, besides once or twice, they would stay as completely still as possible. But he would let her lay on the bed, not too far from her, sitting on the floor against it, and slowly let his tense body relax in her company. He’d sometimes allow her to sing soothing songs, all as he stared blankly at the wall, like he was looking beyond all this and nowhere at all. She appreciated when he did because he would relax faster, and depending on how bad his mood was, he would too.

She eventually realized that what had really comforted him the most was that he just didn’t want to be alone. She had no idea what he was thinking about the long, mostly silent nights. She was there, relaxing barely an inch at a time, but she was happy she could help him. Helping people and helping him made her feel useful. As if she was needed, and it made her alive and made her feel human again.

At times, Ragatha truly didn’t like him, and she was sure his feelings were mutual. Still, they understood each other like no one else.

They were two sides of the same coin. Even if it was for the opposite reasons, neither wanted others to worry about them. Both engaged with the fellow characters more than anyone else because focusing on other people allowed them to ignore what was going on with themselves. Keeping other people at arms length while refusing to live alone. Because of this, they saw through each other like a window. They both constantly needed to be reminded of what was real and what was fake.

When no one else had a single clue, they only needed to see the slightest crack in each other's mask to know something was wrong. They were so different and yet so similar. She supposed that’s why they got together; opposites attract.

Finally, when they were together, she allowed him to comfort her. She knew it had always been a surprise to him how the girl, who couldn’t go a single day without checking in on someone, pushed people away from herself so far when she was down. So, when she finally came to him for a change, he made a joke if she was sure, and she almost left, causing him to roll his eyes and literally drag her back in.

Unlike him, she needed touch, warmth, and something to hug; even when she was alone, she’d hold a pillow of plushie for dear life. He was definitely uncomfortable with this, never being one to like this sort of touch, but sooner or later they fell into a familiar pattern. She started spending more nights than not, sleeping in his room wrapped in his arms. It even became a favorite pastime. Not needing to sleep, they really never felt physically tired before, so the deep desire to be drifted to sleep by the comfort of his warmth was one of the few luxuries she’s had since she’s been here. She’d occasionally wake up to find him blankly staring at her with a relaxed expression, studying her face. Which was kind of weird but also endearing if she was being honest.

However, as wholesome as that was, they were still adults. Adults with needs and wants that would be highlighted when their bodies were intwined and their kisses turned from soft to passionate. Ragatha knew Jax had always made crude jokes, but she tried to never acknowledge them before. Not until she knew they weren’t quite jokes anymore, from the way his eyes bored into her when he made them. He was testing the waters and asking if she would let him swim. Without going into detail because, well, she doesn’t think that’s possible from how she turns into a blushing, bumbling mess at even the mention of the stuff. Things between them escalated.

It was after three months of them. Ahem, as they were getting “busier.” Before the news of her lifetime came.

She wanted to tell Jax the second she found out, hop into his arms with what she believed to be great news, and have him spin her around and kiss her senseless in joy. But that wasn’t Jax; it never was, so she’s not surprised by his reaction.

“How was this even possible? This isn’t real.”’ That was the first thing Jax said to her when she told him the news Caine confirmed the day before.

Yes, not surprised, but still disappointed.

He’d finally told her what it was that helped him stay sane. He said none of this was real, and as long as he knew that, he’d be okay. She did have to admit it hurt when he said it, especially when he’d sat and “wished” it was after an intimate moment between them. Because in those moments, that was exactly what made her feel the realist. Though she did not agree and they had small spiffs about it, she let it slide because if that’s what kept him here, she really didn’t mind. Until now.

“How can this happen?” He added instantly.

Ragatha tried to laugh it off, saying, “I’m pretty sure of all people you know how this happened.”

He didn’t laugh—not even a smirk—just stare at her with a slight furrowed eyebrow and a blank expression. She frowned; she didn’t like that look, which never meant anything good. She couldn’t stand it anymore and looked away, but he didn’t. The silence got to her after a while, and she held a hand over her abdomen and said, “Caine says it's a girl.” She looks up at him to see him studying her face, like he was trying to figure out a calculus problem in his head. She looks back down at her hand and smiles softly. “I’ve always wanted a girl, you know.”

It’s silent a long time again before she hears him thump his foot hard on the ground, causing her to look up at his angry expression. She’s so shocked she couldn’t even get a word out before he marches out, saying, “I’m going to kill the mother!#$@%!" This isn’t right! How dare he do this to you!"

It takes her another moment to realize he’s not angry at her; he’s angry for her. Like Caine, had heard her dreams and took advantage of them for his entertainment. As if he did her wrong. She couldn’t see how he would think that. Ragatha was ecstatic about the news. Call her cliche, but one of her dreams since she was a child was to have a baby with the love of her life, and she did. That and to own a candy shop, but that wasn’t important at the moment.

She didn’t care about the circumstances, and she told them that eventually he was locked back in his room in a “time-out” after apparently somehow getting Caine to open the basement and pushing him in. It took her a long time, but after he accepted, she really wasn’t upset and saw how genuinely happy he was about everything. Looking forward to their baby more and more every day. He calmed down. And they mostly stopped trying to murder Caine.

No matter how much he helped or was careful with her, she knew his feelings were all messed up about everything. She had to ask him to stop saying out loud how strange all her symptoms were if she wasn’t even “really” pregnant. She knew it helped him, and maybe it was her hormones, but she really couldn’t put up with things like she used to. Especially when the father of her child keeps telling her that the aches, pains, and literal kicks growing inside her every day aren't “real.” Not a single soul couldn't tell her this was real. She knew what she felt; she was going to be a mother. No one could deny that.

As much as Jax was grossed out, he was there for the whole birth, allowing Ragatha to practically crush his gloved hand into cartoon silt. He joked more than usual, she supposed, because he was nervous. It was comforting to see that the only other people in the room were medical staff. Ai’s Caine had no faces and could somehow still talk. It was beyond creepy, but Ragatha barely had time to complain. She tried to have Pomni and Gangle come as her best friends, but Ponmi instantly fainted the moment the doctor went to check on her. Jax rolled his eyes, calling her a surprisingly bigger wimp than Gangle, who had to physically drag the other girl out. Ragatha was still happy; she tried her best when she warned that this might happen.

Their daughter was finally born, and Ragatha happily cried at how beautiful she was holding the newborn to herself, like she was the most precious thing in the world. Which she was.

As ironic as it was, they named her Marionette when they finally got to see her for the first time. They had other names planned, but for the little purple pastel rabbit girl with the sweetest curls on her head, who looked like a custom doll, the name was all too fitting.

She was everything Ragatha wanted and more. Her pupils were the cutest little blue buttons; she had no nose, but still, her face was mostly human-looking. Her fur was as soft as a real rabbit, like Jax, and the itty-bitty curls on her head matched Ragatha. She hushed her baby as she cried until she calmed down. Fianlly was able to kiss her head and feel her warmth and breath against her. She was finally able to hold her beautiful baby, which had been growing inside her for the last nine months. She was a mother; this was her baby, she had made out of love. Nothing could ever change that.

Jax, though looking fondly at them, snapped her out of her thought, saying, “Jesus, Ragatha. How are you crying louder than a literal baby? That’s the only thing she knows how to do.”

She laughs at that. “Okay, okay, that’s fair. But, just look at her, Jax!”

“I am,” he said, but there was something about him she only noticed now. He may have had a lazy smile on his face, but his whole body was tense as a slab of stone, and he was standing only as close to her as possible to not cause suspicion. His arms were tightly crossed at his chest, like he was scared to touch anything.

A frown slowly went to her lips, devastation coming over her. “What’s wrong?”

He looks like he desperately wants to say something, but still looking at Marionette with an unreadable expression, he says, “Nothing you’d want to hear in the moment.” When he looks up at Ragatha and lets out a sigh, forcing himself to calm down by reading her mind, he says, “I’ll tell you later. I promise… It has nothing to do with you two. It’s me.”

Searching him like she figures out everything with a blink of his eyes, she accepts that whatever it is, he means it. It’s not about them. “Would you like to hold her?" Ragatha asks without thinking.

Jax's eyes widen, but he looks at the little girl again, and then at Ragatha, with a shit-eating grin stretching back on his face. “I mean, I think I deserve it after all the pain I went through today. Seriously, sitting in that chair so long with my hand, ooh, aaah, that's got to be the worst pain I’ve ever felt. They should really do something to make things more comfortable for the people doing the hard work."

Her face is deadpan before he even finishes, and though she’s happy he’s joking, she is too tired to deal with his nonsense right now. “Will you please just hold your damn child and shut up?"

Jax laughs; she uses one of the few words that passes the censors and moves over to grab the half-sleeping baby. "Yeah, yeah, lemmie, finally see this twerpet up close.”

"I’m going to hurt you. I mean it.” She says holding on to the baby a little longer before he coaxes her to hand her over.

"Alright, let’s take a look at you,” he says as the baby shifts a little, opening her eyes a bit more. He looks over her a little intensely, but still with a softer expression than before. He comments and jokes every once in a while about which features are his and which are Ragatha's, but for the most part, he stays silent. As much as she wants to hold her baby again, she is more tired than she’s ever been in her life and decides to let her eyes drift shut as she watches him be more soft with her than she’s ever seen.

She’s a second away from sleep when she sees her baby's tiniest little hand wrap around his finger, and the saddest look fills his face as a tear falls down. She was unable to keep her eyes open any longer. But there is one last moment before her world turns to black; she unmistakably hears him. A whisper of desperation: “Why can’t you be real?”

[youreobsessedwithtoomanyfandoms]

Oh My God, You Did Not!

Words: 1095

Warnings: angst, reference to reader and Spencer having previous relationship, me almost writing smut but stopping cause...year, probably poor writing and OOC characters but whatever

Criminal Minds Masterlist Main Masterlist Join my Taglist

Just a reminder in case none of you read my fic "I Would Tell Them If I Could, But I Can't" Reader and Spencer had a relationship for about 2 years before they broke up and then they just kinda slept with one another after bad cases which lead to the reader getting pregnant. They kinda have a co-parenting lifestyle where reader is the “lead” parent and Spencer get’s child (Avery) on weekends and some weekday

Takes place around Season 13 Episode 3 (episode where Matt keeps his wife from going into work on time...which is sorta how I got inspired for it)

I literally forgot about this…it’s been sitting in my drafts for about 1-2 weeks lol

This was originally written for my OC Abby (which a longer version will be posted on my other account @imnotobsessedwfictionalchracters later)

Anywho, enjoy

Love Z <3

Y/N opened her door and was surprised to see Spencer there. She gave him a soft smile but before she could say anything, he took a single stride in and grabbed her face in his, kissing her harshly. She hardly had time to breathe as he kissed her. When he finally pulled away, she breathed heavily and held her hands on his chest.

“I want you. I don’t care that it’s against the rules. I don’t care that we could get kicked off of the team or out of the FBI as a whole, I just fucking need you.”

“Spence, Avery is--”

“Asleep. I think I still know her sleep schedule. It’s past 3 am. She’s asleep Abs.”

“But you just--”

“I know, I know. I worked to get reinstated, but I don’t care.” He brushed some of her hair out of her face, “If I get kicked out because I love you, then I don’t care.”

She gripped his shirt and this time she was the one who pulled him into the kiss. This time his hands went down to feel under her shirt, she made a noise that was swallowed by the kiss. She moved backwards and heard him kick the door shut. Her hands fumbled as she walked backwards and tried to unbutton his shirt. They stumbled a few times but eventually made it to her bedroom where he kicked the door shut there as well.

She felt her knees reach the back of her bed and she allowed herself to fall back on it, pulling him down with her. She smiled as she finally succeeded in unbuttoning his shirt and he shrugged it off and she also pulled her top over her head. Spencer attached his lips to hers again and she felt his hands fall down to the buttons of her pants. 

She pulled away for a moment, “We won’t get in trouble if no one finds out. N-no one has found out about,” She stopped mid sentence as she moaned after he bit and sucked her chest. “About Avery. No one has to know anything.”

“I’d like that. Keeping you as my dirty little secret.”

She nodded, “I do too.” She glanced over at the door, “Is it locked?” He nodded his head vigorously as he pulled her pants down. That was the last confirmation that she was fine with this.

----

Y/N groaned as she woke up. Her whole body was sore. She felt the spot next to her and was surprised to see that Spencer wasn’t there. But that was when she clocked just how much light was coming through the window. She shot up, which she regretted but pretended it was alright and grabbed her phone. Letting out a string of curses as she realized the time. It was 30 minutes until she was supposed to be at work and it took her that much time to get there, without traffic.

She unlocked her phone after she saw the text from Spencer that was sent to her around 2 hours ago. When she usually would wake up and get Avery ready for school. 

“I’m getting Avery ready and taking her to school. You needed 

the sleep you were getting and I didn’t want to wake you.”

“I’ll see you when you get in the office later.”

She tossed her phone on her bed as she stumbled over to her bathroom. She turned the faucet on and tossed the washcloth in and her toothbrush. She quickly brushed her teeth and spit the excess out in her other sink. She tossed her toothbrush in her holder and wiped her mouth before she grabbed the washcloth and soap and washed her face. She moved as fast as she could while putting on her makeup, thankful that it was just second nature for her at this point. She grabbed a clip and quickly brushed her hair before tossing it up. 

Running into the closet, she grabbed a set of clothes and got ready as quickly as she could. She grabbed her phone and bag as she was slipping her shoes on. She smiled as she ran into her kitchen and realized he had made coffee, happy that she had a new pot that kept it warm for a few hours. She grabbed her travel mug and made her cup before grabbing her keys and dashing out the door to her car.

----

Y/N wasn’t even sure if she had locked her apartment as she stood in the elevator. She was 50 minutes late. She knew that Luke and JJ would give her shit for it. And once Emily would be done getting mad at her for being so late, she would too. 

She ran into the office and tossed her bag on her desk as she ran to the conference room. Spencer had already texted her that they were meeting about a new case. She nearly tripped and fell into the room from running.

“Sorry! Sorry! I know I’m late! My alarms must have not gone off. I’m so sorry!”

“It’s alright Y/L/N. Just grab a file and get your go bag, we’ll get you up to speed on the jet.” Y/N nodded as she breathlessly grabbed a file, refusing to give a glance to Spencer. She walked out of the room and back to her desk in order to grab her go bag.

“So, why were you late?”

She looked up at JJ, “I told you, alarms.”

“Nah, I don’t believe it. You have a...look on you. Something I haven’t seen in...around 5 years.”

Y/N looked down bashfully, “Shut up.”

“Oh. My. God. You did not!”

She grabbed her go bag from underneath her desk and just shrugged. She saw JJ lean forward on her desk and look at her intently. “Spence told me he got to take Avery to school. Won’t deny, I found it weird, but I just thought you had something to run and do this morning. When I asked Emily she said you hadn’t mentioned needing the ability to come in late. And so when you do, you’re flustered. Just like you were back before Avery was born. Spence looked less stressed and tense and so do you.” JJ gave her a smirk, “Or maybe I’m just delusional again.”

Y/N rolled her eyes, “Even if what you were suggesting was true, I cannot say a thing as we are on the clock.”

JJ smiled and leaned back, “Guess I’ll just have to wait for the next time our kids hang out.”

Y/N smiled, “I guess you will.”

[perhaps-in-anotherdream]

I've read latest chapter in EN server and indeed it's very rare for ML to stop MC from going down to the path of darkness. However, it raises an interesting question: What if MC, out of frustration, chooses to tread that dark path to protect Victor from those who have harmed him? How do you envision Victor's response in such a scenario? Because if it were me I'd tread that path because they deserve it for hurting our way-too-good-for-this-world Victor ୧⁠(⁠ ⁠ಠ⁠ ⁠Д⁠ ⁠ಠ⁠ ⁠)⁠୨

Thank you for answering!

HAHAHA let me start from the last, b/c while it’s the general mood for chapter updates, but for the last few, this has pretty much become the slogan of Li Zeyan wives: “[...] 狗叠!!! 老子才不去拯救世界呢，我要炸了恋语，带着李泽言跑路!!” the [...] refers to some very strong slangs which actually don’t have english equivalents to convey just how strong they are LOL. 狗叠 is a play on PaperGame’s name players mostly use when they are crazy mad or being sarcastic not gonna translate that either lmao and the rest translates to “the f*ck with/ screw saving the world! I’m just gonna blow up Loveland and grab Victor and run away!!” funnily enough, even players who don’t have Victor as their main were echoing similar words, which actually shows how his writers have been massively successful with their knives lmao but— anon, don’t worry, you’re not alone, that’s pretty much the mood of all Victor stans (including myself) 😂

going back to the very first part, you echo my thoughts here as well, and i actually did a long thread on twitter (yes i still do and will call it that) on this couple of weeks back haha. now, to answer your questions, S2 CH 31 itself was actually a crystal-clear answer to all of them.

i still remember just how intense of a fourth wall breaker S2 CH 31 was for me when i read for the first time— from the heroine’s monologues to her words, everything seemed palpable tbh.

the heroine unhesitatingly sacrificing herself and her life for the men and the world is nothing new around here actually, and it definitely speaks volumes of the love she has for them. but what struck a chord with me was how she didn’t think twice to head down the dark tunnel the second Victor was about to be attacked, and the only thing what kept her at bay was the man himself, which then made her re-realize how much respect she has for his beliefs and values.

the reason it hit me so hard was you don’t usually see the heroine’s of the otomes showing ugly, pure human emotions like this. the reason MC first used the black box, despite not knowing what it could do, was to “help Victor” save everyone on the ship. and literally within 30 seconds, she did a total 180 when she saw those very people were turning against him, for saving their own lives mind you. and then alongside everything she was trying to do, we see her monologues of how she couldn’t care less for what happens to everyone else as long as it meant Victor would be safe, or if it makes her selfish or cold-blooded, the things he isn’t willing to do, she’d do them for him— and here again, we see how she reminded herself the mountainous love, respect and pride she had for him that she couldn’t do something he was fighting with his life to not let happen, the best she could do was stand by him. it’s truly not a common sight where you see a male lead working as the core voice of reason for the heroine. b/c stretch it back just a little, if Victor had not stopped MC and she had proceeded with her actions— she would be going against the very reason the story exists, which is helping those who need it and saving the world :)

so, S2 CH 31 chapter gave us the clear picture that for the MC (like you and me haha)— her man, her love comes first, and if that meant the world would have to burn in hell, she wouldn’t hesitate one bit. now as for Victor’s response in that scenario– well, again, CH 31 showed us loud and clear that he’d never, ever let you do so for his sake, that’s how much he takes pride in his values and loves you and wants to protect your values first and foremost.

which is why, we often joke about how we actually have to “grab” Victor to run away and before setting Loveland on fire— i.e., knock him unconscious or something LOL cause there’s no way in hell he’d let you do that as long as he’s conscious 😂😂

—

[axailslink]

hey i saw your post about requests, and the riri fandom is still small. what about reader finding out about riri’s iron heart suit in a ridiculous way (like spider-man homecoming with ned) i feel like you could do it really well!

You're Ironheart!

Riri Williams x poc FEM reader

Journalism is your major it's something you've always been quite passionate about your girlfriend Riri Williams was a fucking genius though literally she always took her time to even study the small things. She wasn't born with the genius gene though she learned she practiced and she studied to be better at it. She's amazing and you're currently missing her but you don't have time to sulk you're trying to get a shot of Ironheart she's been your main practice this past year. Ironheart was the name she said she wanted to go by when you first saw her it was from quite the distance you couldn't see her face not that you wished you could though it would throw the whole surprise away. You enjoyed not knowing who she was it would just make your work less passionate if you did. The first sighting you weren't even trying to catch it she just happened to be in the background of your video she had flown too close to you of course reposted this everywhere when you noticed her slowly but surely most of your platforms became an Ironheart report page. You'd answer questions like: where was she last seen? How tall is she? Is that an ironman suit? Does she have ironman tech? Is she a student at MIT? There were many questions always but you didn't mind finding out the answer. After reposting the first post she left a note for you at your door you still don't know how she knew where to find you but you didn't question it you thought it was kind of cute reminded you a bit of some cliche superhero x human fanfic you used to read when you were like twelve.

She always went to the same place as if she knew you'd be there she'd be testing something new with the suit or adding onto the suit. Recently she came back with an updated version of her suit and it was fly. There were so many questions exploding that night that you couldn't answer so you asked her yourself on your blog of course she read your blog you knew because how else would she know the information you had on her? So I ask the readers and you tonight Ironheart where did this new suit come from? Don't be shy we're all waiting to hear some incredible news.

Although you loved her new suit you like the original design it was raw it was well thought out it had emotions behind it you don't know how but you could just feel it and not only that but you noticed it was made fully on what seemed to scrap parts of other works now that was some real fucking talent. You were amazed by her loved her even. She never answered your question. For once that was a rarity she always answered you back she'd stick a sticky note inside of your little door handle handle you'd feel it if it was there. Whenever you think deeply you weren't exactly sure if she was a girl or if that's how she presented herself but you assumed her handwriting, the way her suit fits and dedication yeah this was definitely a woman or a person who presented themselves as such. You're shocked back to wake when you see her in the sky you bought a camera just to get better sightings of her however you're panicking when you see her come towards you. Why would she do that? However you don't stop recording when the feet of her suit hits the ground she stands a tall 5'9 in front of you as she approaches you you carefully step back the more steps she takes towards you "I would like to talk off camera" her voice is filtered of course sucks but it comes as no surprise. You shake your head no "mm-mm I need this I wouldn't be a true journalist if I stopped recording" she stands still and you slowly put the camera down but don't turn it off. "You're one hell of a sighter I... Like the attention so I'm giving you two minutes of any questions you want to ask... However if they pertain to who I am or endanger my safety I will refuse to answer." You nod quickly picking the camera back up as if you were ready for this life changing moment you list off your most asked questions as if they're fire on your tongue.

"Are you a woman or female presenting person? Where did the new suit come from? Where is the old suit? Do you plan on protecting us or just receiving clout? Are you a trained fighter? Is your suit based on ironman? Is it a tribute?Do you go to any of the schools near this location?"

She answers almost as fast as you asked "yes I'm a young woman, a friend, locked away in storage, protecting when I'm ready, no I'm not a trained fighter but brains are better than brawn, not originally, I refuse to answer." The last one peaks your interest you couldn't call yourself a real journalist if you didn't push for an answer. The second and last question was incompletely answered or not answered at all "a friend you can't say a name?" She says nothing and you sigh "will you not say this friend's name because they're powerful?" You can practically feel the smile in her voice "oh so very powerful" it doesn't satisfy your need for answer instead it adds onto it yet you're running out of time so you ask the last question again "do you attend any of the schools near this location? The first time I saw you were wearing a book ba-" she turns around and you can feel her about to leave but before she leaves you with no answer she says "like I said you're one hell of a sighter" you sigh and stop the camera you couldn't wait to post this but first you had to check on your girlfriend she had been couped in her damn room all day said she was feeling sick and didn't want you to get sick. So on your way back to the dorms you bought some cans of soup and crackers but when you arrive at her dorm she's not there and no one has seen her you drop your camera and book bag onto your bed before leaving for her favorite quiet place in her little storage building. She of course offered you a key after five months of dating you told her you'd never use it her quiet place should be just for her. You knew though she always kept one on the outside of the building hidden away so you unlock the entrance and slowly walk in not wanting to disturb her in case she had gotten better and just decided to get away for a while. Although you couldn't help but wonder what in the hell would make her lie to you? She wasn't in here at all you avoided looking at her things but eventually something grabbed your attention she seemed to have a power point on paper and other scribbles for a moment you think on where you've seen the exact power point and it hits you like lightning. Ironheart's suit the heart is a- holy shit....Ironheart is your girlfriend your girlfriend is Ironheart when it finally clicks you hear some clanging and walk around the discarded scraps to be met with Riri still in the Ironheart suit standing 5 foot 9 "you're fucking Ironheart!?" She damn near jumps out of her skin as you have the room "oh my God my girlfriend is Ironheart what the fuck? That's how she knew how to contact me that's why.... She I mean you" She follows behind you carefully taking off the suit "baby babe baby" when she's fully dressed down to just her basic T and jeans she grabs your shoulders stopping your rambling "you're Ironheart wow that's amazing I mean it's scary but amazing you built that?" She grabs your face with both hands and you just stop and look at her. For a moment you forget what you were rambling on about "breathe" you take a deep breath and shake your head "I can't do it I'm fucking my idol literally that's weird we sleep in the same room of my God I've seen you naked! I've seen Ironheart naked... I feel betrayed I understand you couldn't have told me but I feel betrayed not because you didn't tell me but because I expected you to be smarter about being caught you have your designs just sitting around!" Riri lets herself calm down when she realizes you're of no trouble you're panicked for way different reasons than she originally thought. "Yes I'm Ironheart yes you need to keep it a secret and maybe I shouldn't leave my designs around" you nod and smack the back of her head "you think? You've ruined it now everything I've written about you how I assumed Ironheart was stoic and calm it's all a lie you're not stoic and calm you party hard and drink harder" she nods in agreement before laughing.

"holy shit do you know about the YouTube channel?" Her smile only widens "you mean the one where you have no filter and continuously express how down bad you are for Ironheart? Yes and the blog about the sightings and the Instagram account you're high in numbers you should be surprised if I didn't notice." You shake your head in disbelief "I have to delete everything" Riri grabs your arms and shakes her head "no don't do that I kind of like the attention" you shake your head "no it's not safe if you're Ironheart and I keep posting these things no I can't if could lead someone to you or worst to your designs and-" you glance at the suit out the corner of your eye and look back at her "your suits vibranium hot shit the friend was Queen Shuri?" Your hands clasp over your mouth as you take a moment to sit down "I can't what's next you're going to tell me you personally know ironman or something!?" She's quiet and you don't even bother looking "you know ironman too!?" Riri laughs and takes the soup cans from the bag you bright earlier "imma warm this up you need this more than me we have a lot to talk about." You hum "oh you mean about how you lied to me about being sick?" She pauses in her steps "don't worry I have too much on my mind right now I'll kick you in your back about the lying later."

A/n: I wanted to go ahead and get a request done and this happened to be one of the easiest. I hope you enjoy.

[garciaasfluffypen]

bright beginnings pt 2.

its what brings you closer to those around you, you know? the chaos of everything, the timing... it’s never perfect, but the universe knows what it’s doing, and i’m so glad the universe led me here.  

pairing: single dad!joseph quinn x fem!reader  wc:  1.7k warnings: this is literally pure fluff, probably one of the more fluffier things i’ve written in a while (: 

part one • part three 

oh no. he’s hot. 

that had been your only thought for approximately the last ten minutes as you sat with some of the kids during snack time, trying your best to not think about the fact that your boss was hot and you only wanted to do things that were not professional with him. you’d most definitely have to talk to your cousin about it later. pushing those thoughts to the back of your mind, you put your attention back on the kids and made sure to give all your time to them, stopping for the day when the last kid -minus thomas, now that you knew his dad was the boss- left for the day. thomas was chilling with you at the front desk when mr. qui- joe walked out, a bit more unruly than he looked earlier that afternoon. thomas automatically perked up in your arms as he saw his dad, reaching out excitedly and babbling as he got closer.

“how was he today?”

“a perfect angel. his temperature has been normal all day, and he played amazingly with leah and stanley in the ballpit earlier.” donna smiled. “quite a brilliant boy, this one.”

“oh, i’m glad to hear. you were a good boy today, huh tommy?”

your heart absolutely swelled as you watched joe lightly scratch thomas’ chest.

“can i ask how riley is doing?”

“she’s been asleep for a few hours now, i actually was going to ask if i could borrow the thermometer so i could check her temperature again.”

“no, of course, be my guest.” you reached around the desk to grab the thermometer. “we also have-”

“tylenol, yes, i ordered it the other day.” joe smirked. “which reminds me, if you lot ever need anything please don't hesitate to come ask me about it. my office is just down the hall.”

“wait wait wait. you’re our new boss?”

“the one and only.” joe chuckled. “as i was telling y/n earlier, i had planned to introduce myself but i got the daycare in the midst of a divorce. so i’ve been holed up in my office dealing with paperwork and stuff for that.” he sighed as thomas patted his face. “but, i should have filed the last of it as of ten minutes ago, so hopefully i’ll be able to be more involved.”

lucille cleared her throat. “can i ask how you got the daycare?”

“yeah, so john, the previous owner, he’s a good family friend of my ex. when julia and i started dating, i had just applied to work here as the front desk guy, and soon as he found out i was dating julia it was an automatic hire. ‘any friend of julia is a friend of mine!’ he would say. anyway, after he announced his plans to retire i was one of the first people he reached out to to ask if i could take over.”

oh, so her name was julia. not that it mattered.

“has he found out?”

“about the divorce? by now, probably.” he shrugged. “it’s no big deal though, he left me with a great staff.”

“well i’m glad to hear you think we’re amazing.” donna smiled. “but i have to start heading out for the night, my pup is at daycare herself and the owners close shop at seven thirty.”

“ah yes, don’t let us keep you!” joe seemed to turn back into parent mode within seconds. “i’ll just take thomas back to the office where riley is, and let you guys close up. don’t worry about locking up when you leave, i’ll leave after you guys.”

with that, you all split up into your typical closing positions for the night, each of you cleaning a certain section of the daycare. john had it set up that way so it was time effective, rather than having everyone clean the same area. it always went faster when multiple people were cleaning as well. everything was properly sanitized and put away by seven fifteen, leaving you and the girls in the lobby gathering your things.

“do you want to head out for a drink?” lucille looked between you and lauren.

“i would, but i promised my aunt i’d be home for dinner.” you smiled. “and i have a few chores and stuff i need to do.”

“you wanna raincheck? what about friday instead?”

“i think that might be best, then we can invite donna and the other girls as well.”

seeing as the daycare had a pretty small staff, with four in the morning and four in the afternoons, you became pretty close with everyone quickly. you weren’t quite sure how the daycare actually made it's money, considering how small it was, but it was up and running and that’s all that seemed to matter to joe. yes, there were some small repairs that needed to be done, but none that someone who had a good handiness skill couldn’t fix so they didn’t have to call anyone in. and besides, the staff needed to focus on the kids and their well beings, not the silly little problems the old london building had.

you said goodbye to the girls and ran off to the bathroom real fast, which happened to be across the hall from joe’s office. you did your business as quick as you possibly could, hoping to make it out before him so you didn’t get locked in the center. it wouldn’t be the end of the world, but you did want to get home so you could talk to your cousin right away. it was one of the plus sides to living with your aunt, seeing as you could walk right across the hall to your cousin and spill all the tea in the world instead of waiting for a socially acceptable time to call her. you and your cousin have been best friends since you could walk, and did your best to stay in touch when you and your parents moved to america back when you were two. you turned twenty one and decided on a whim to pack up all your stuff and move back to london, where your aunt welcomed you in with open arms. as much as you loved living in america, it was such a shit show and the healthcare was horrible. your heart was in london, tucked away in the little flat your aunt and cousin lived in. while you still kept in touch with your parents, it was hard to only see them in person every few months, but you were saving up to surprise them over the summer and spend two weeks with them. they had recently moved to new orleans for your dads work, and you had been dying to explore there since you were a kid. it was only fair that you do that exploring with your parents by your side.

you were jostled out of your thoughts when you walked out of the bathroom to see joe struggling to carry not only the twins, but a folder of papers and the diaper bag. he locked eyes with you and visibly relaxed, glad to see someone was still here.

“y/n, a lovely-”

“do you-” you cut yourself off. “sorry, you first.”

joe chuckled. “i’m not saying anything until you go first.”

“then we’ll be here a while.” you joked effortlessly. “or until one of them wakes up.”

“they sleep through the night, so we will indeed be here for a while.”

there was a small moment of silence. “do you want some help? i was just about to head out.”

“if you wouldn’t mind, that would be fantastic.”

joe maneuvered himself so you could grab the diaper bag, as well as the folder he was holding. he re adjusted the twins in his arms, both of them having fallen asleep on a shoulder. the two of you walked into the front lobby, shutting off the lights as you went. as you held the door open for him, you couldn’t help but tell how tired he looked, and a pang of sadness flew through your body. you couldn’t begin to imagine how much he had been through in the past few months, with getting full ownership of the daycare plus the divorce on top of having twins. you watched as he expertly locked up shop with the two kids in his arms, his head tilting you in the direction of the car park he usually parked in. the walk was pretty quick, and you found yourself helping him get the twins into the car within a few minutes of leaving the center.

“thank you for your help, y/n, i don’t know how i would have been able to do that myself.”

“it’s no problem-”

joe let out a dramatic groan. “oh not you too. i absolutely hate it when people say that.”

“well it really isn’t-”

“ah ah. nope. don’t say it. i will kick your ass if you do.”

“i’d like to see you try, mr. i wear designer suits to work.” you smirked. “you probably couldn’t even catch up to me, i had the fastest mile in high school.”

a chuckle. “you’re feisty, no wonder john liked you.”

“my parents didn’t call me a spitfire for nothing.” you shrugged.

joe smiled. “it most definitely suits you.”

“well, if you don’t need anything else i best be going, my aunt’s going to wonder where i am.”

“yes, of course, i probably should get these two home in bed as well. have a good night, y/n.”

“you too.” you made it approximately five steps before you turned around to face him, walking backwards as you talked. “the girls and i are going out for drinks on friday if you’d like to join.” you paused for a split second. “if you can find a sitter, i mean. don’t feel like you have to either i-”

“i’d love to. text me the deets?”

“i don’t have your number. and never say deets again, for the sake of everyone's sanity.”

“i’ll have a sticky note in your cubicle in the morning. get some rest!”

“you too! see you tomorrow.”

as you walked away, it hit you. oh my god, was he flirting with me?

[0nlythrowharrybeaux]

Wonderful World - Part 15^

FINALLY!

Series Masterlist

Warnings: some angst between our favorite couple 🥲

WC: 15.4K

Celeste was bummed out, she went straight to her room when she got home and got ready for bed before just looking over her phone and wondering if it was stupid to reach out to Ben. She wasn’t worried about not seeing him, she knew she’d see him at band camp in a few weeks, but whether she wanted to see him or not was the real question. She decided to text Geri to see if she was still up and willing to hear her out. Once she confirmed she called her and the line rang once before she answered.

“Hey.” Geri’s hushed voice sounded over the speaker, “What did you want to talk about?”

“It’s a Ben thing.” She said and Geri gasped.

“Oh, good did you get in touch with him? He asked me where you had gone off to because he saw you with Dr. Styles so he went to greet his cousins who had shown up and-” Celeste’s groan interrupted Geri’s speaking, “What’s wrong?”

“I think I’m an idiot.” Celeste said and Geri sighed.

“No, don’t say that.”

“It’s just that I saw Ben hugging a girl for like a long while and ummm…I thought it was another girl he was talking to so I just…bailed on him.” She explained and Geri winced.

“Ooh…OK that’s bad.” She said and Celeste whined.

“Don’t tell me that.”

“He seemed pretty bummed out. Have you tried talking to him?”

“No, I left him on read…I was upset, for no reason obviously…” she mumbled.

“Well maybe it’s not too late?” Geri consoled.

“He’s gonna think I’m so immature…” she groaned lowly and Geri sighed.

“Well this is kind of the first person who you’ve had a really serious crush on, you know? Tyler from 7th grade doesn’t count!” She said and Celeste laughed, “If he doesn’t want to try to go out with you after this well then you at least learned something right?” Geri asked her and Celeste huffed.

“Yeah, I guess so…”

“Just apologize for the mix up. Ben’s nice, I’m sure he’ll understand.” Geri assured her.

“Yeah…ugh, I’ll try at school tomorrow. Best thing to do during the last day I guess.”

“Our last day as freshmen…” Geri reminded and Celeste grinned.

“That’s true! Are we still going to get ice cream after?”

“Of course! It’s tradition, my mom said she’ll pick us up around 3:15 so we have time to say goodbye to our friends.”

“Cool. Well thanks for hearing me out, Geri. And for your advice.” Celeste said with gratitude.

“Of course, what are best friends for?” She asked and Celeste smiled.

*********

After she’d gotten home from that dinner with Celeste and Harry Diana’d started to reserve the spots for her and Harry’s vineyard date on Saturday evening. She was excited to spend time with him one on one and to sing and dance along to the swanky jazz music that just itched the right spot when it came to her live music preferences. She knew he was eclectic in his tastes and was sure that he would at least appreciate the musicianship of it if he didn’t really like the genre. She was excited that he had agreed to this because she really wanted to show him her intent to move forward. They’d kind of jumped the gun and confessed their actual feelings for each other, but this was her reassuring him that she wanted to have more with him.

Diana also wanted to talk to someone about how this affected Celeste. Was it even a good idea to talk to her about it yet? Would she ever stop feeling guilty for forcing a change in the dynamic for Harry? Would Celeste be so hurt that she’d resent her forever? There was a lot up in the air and she needed to make sure that she wasn’t risking so much for just a man. But Harry wasn’t just a man, he was a man. Mature, responsible, kind, intelligent, patient, funny, open minded, hot as fuck. So unbelievably hot that she was surprised her saw wasn’t literally on the floor when she first met him.  He made her feel things she hadn’t felt in ages. She felt like herself around him. She felt happy around him. He made her feel so abundantly happy. She knew she deserved it, she had been patiently waiting her turn. And truly, in the depth of her soul, she had a feeling that he was everything she had been waiting for. She didn’t want to miss him.

*********

The next morning at school most students were just cleaning out their lockers for the end of the year. They didn’t really do much in terms of class, they had the chance to meet with the guidance counselors and advisors if needed and mostly just had activities that they could get through the day and well, the seniors did their final rehearsal for graduation, so there were plenty of people roaming the halls in their high heels to get accustomed to the feeling. Celeste hadn’t seen Ben yet, so after lunch she decided to go to the band room to see if maybe he was in there and thankfully he was. He was taking apart the drum kit and storing it away for the summer.

“Hey.” She said with a wary smile as she approached him and he looked a bit confused.

“Hi, ummm…I tried calling you yesterday? Did something happen?” He asked and she sighed and looked away from his eyes out of sheer embarrassment.

“Yeah ummm, first off I’m really sorry for bailing on you and leaving you hanging that wasn’t cool of me.” She said, “But ummm, when I went to look for you I saw you hugging a girl and I thought that maybe you were with her or whatever and I got upset-”

“That was probably my cousin, she’s visiting from Costa Rica.” He explained and she nodded.

“I know. Geri mentioned something about that to me and I just…jumped to conclusions and I’m really sorry about not saying anything to you. It was…immature.”

“just a bit.” He said with a small smile and she felt her face go red as she shook her head, “It’s alright, we’ve all been there before, Celeste.” He assured her and she glanced back up into his eyes and he was already looking at her. “And like, it’s good you bailed because I was actually not expecting my cousins to visit and so I ended up spending time with them and will probably be busy the next few weeks.”

“Are you still going to camp?” She asked.

“Yeah, they leave the day after we leave so it works out.” He said and Celeste smiled.

“That’s good that you get to spend time with them.” She smiled and he nodded.

“Yeah. What about you? Any family visits or vacations before band camp?” He asked and she shook her head.

“No, ummmm…it’s just my mom and I. My uncle doesn’t have kids yet so ummm, no cousins for me.”

“Oh? And…y-your dad’s side of the family?” He asked cautiously and she shook her head.

“I don’t actually know them. He died before I was born so there’s never really been any relationships with them.” She explained and he frowned a bit.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know.” He apologized and she shook her head.

“It’s OK.” She assured with a small smile, “I like…miss him sometimes but it’s not I’m sad about it because I never knew him, you know?” She said as she came a bit closer.

“Yeah, that makes sense.” He responded.

“Do you want some help?” She asked and he smiled at her.

“Yeah, if you don’t mind?”

“Of course not, just tell me what to do because I’ve only ever done this one time at that was in middle school.” She reminded and he chuckled.

“Yeah, here.” He said coming a bit closer to demonstrate, “Oh ummm, we’re good right?” He asked her before he showed her how to take apart the drum kit, “Like, you still…like me and I still…like you?” He asked and she blushed but nodded.

“Yeah.” She responded timidly and he smiled.

“OK, sick.” He responded softly and she laughed softly, “Ummm, OK, so this is what you’re gonna do…” he started explaining how to take apart the cymbals and place them in the cases. 

Celeste was so glad that she had cleared things up with Ben and that he wasn’t upset at her. They talked a bit more about what he’d be doing with his cousins and he assured her that they could definitely hang out at camp since it wouldn’t really be possible the next two weeks as his cousins were visiting from so far away. But she was OK with that, it would give her time to not get too in her head about this. She’d be going to Catalina for the weekend with Geri’s family and they could talk about this all they wanted without her mom hearing things before she was meant to. She wouldn’t have a therapy session until the week before camp and she was still debating on whether or not to talk to Dr. Styles about Ben, she knew that he now knew that she at least liked him, but not the extent of it. And well…she could just tell her mom. She hadn’t been too alarmed when she brought up the question about dating, but she also didn’t want to ask her mom about kissing and boyfriends in depth. Not yet at least. She’d just…figure it out along the way and hope she made a friend at camp who hopefully had a bit more experience thank her. 

*********

The rest of the week completely flew by and Harry had spent a large part of those next few days mulling over Dr. Hsu’s offer, he was very interested in that faculty position but he had just started his practice and it had been going pretty well for him. The more he thought about it, the more he came to terms with the fact that he wasn’t ready to let it go. Not yet at least. He was definitely interested in teaching more classes for the university, but his gut told him to not sign on as a faculty member just yet. He just wanted to give it another day or two to sit with the feeling of his current decision. When his alarm rang he stretched before he got up from his chaise. He’d been taking in a bit of sun before getting ready for his date at the vineyard with Diana.

He couldn’t help the smile on his face as he cleaned his body and washed his hair. After drying off he headed straight for the mirror and washed his face and then considered shaving off all of the scruff along his jaw and over his lips. But he was liking it right now, he liked the look so he decided against shaving and just got to his skin care. He was particular as he dried and styled his hair. And then as he rubbed a bit of his cologne scented hair/beard oil into his hands and then into hair, taking care to work the excess into his scruff and down his neck. He smirked as he just smeared the last bit into his bit of chest hair. And then he was off to get dressed. The weather was warm, but he knew it’d get cool up in the mountains. As he sifted through his outfit options he ended choosing an olive green suit paired with a thin black, graphic-tee, and some black dress shoes. He considered something a bit more tame, but he he wanted a pop of color because he recalled that she enjoyed seeing him in colors. His colors were usually bright and this suit, with it’s deep tone made it feel more like an evening look. He got into it and hurried to his mirror to look over the outfit and smiled to himself. He felt good, he liked the look and decided to stick with it.  When his phone dinged he knew that Diana would be on her way. So he got on his cologne and brushed his teeth again before hurrying to get his shoes on. 

He felt all fluttery inside because this was in fact their first real date, she had asked him because she wanted to go out with him. Harry perked up when his door bell rang and he hurried to the kitchen to grab the bouquet of white anemones he had purchased for her. He hurried to open it up and smiled wide when he saw her beaming with her own arrangement in hand. They both laughed and he moved aside to let her in.

“That’s a nice one.” He said and she giggled.

“Thanks, I was hoping you’d like it. And those flowers are beautiful.”

“I’m glad you like them.” He smiled, “Ummm, let’s put these down and head out, yeah?”

“Yeah, that’s perfect.” She agreed and she followed him to his kitchen where he set down his arrangement and then stooped down to one of the cabinets to get a vase out for her flowers. He turned around to get some water in it and she leaned onto the counter and just looked him over with a distant and lustful gaze. The slim fit of the suit showed the tapered shape of his figure, his back was so broad. She even blushed as she looked him over and just glanced down at the rings on her fingers instead. She then felt his own gaze devouring her and she flickered her eyes up and smirked as he set the vase down, eyes focused on hers with his bottom lip bitten between his teeth. 

“Fuck, look at you.” He laughed softly in total awe and she looked away with burning cheeks. “Show me.” He insisted and she pushed herself off of the counter and he grabbed her hand as she straightened out her black dress. He smiled as he took her in and then smiled up at her, “Perfect.”

“You look really good too. Like this color on you.” She complimented and he smiled.

“Thanks. I remember you said you liked some of my more colorful stuff so I…uh chose it.” He said and she smiled.

“I know that we haven’t even made it to our first date, but can I kiss you?” She asked and he chuckled.

“Yeah.” He hummed, “You can kiss me.” He smirked and she gripped the back of his neck with her right hand and pulled him down as she arched up into him as their lips met in a gentle kiss. It was just a few seconds long and then she pulled away.

“Thank you.” She whispered as their noses nudged, “We should go.” She said and he hummed in agreement.

Moments later they were on the road and heading up towards the vineyard up in the mountains near the beach. 

“What’s Celeste up to this weekend?” Harry asked.

“She’s spending the next three days with Geri and her family, they went to Catalina Island.” She informed and Harry hummed.

“Sounds like fun.”

“Oh yeah, I went with them last year and it was a lot of fun.”

“Why didn’t you go this year?” He asked her and she smiled.

“I’m teaching a summer class come Monday and I just need to get everything ready over the weekend.” She explained, “Also, I made plans with you before they told me about their plans so ummm…yeah.” She smiled at him before turning back to the road.

“Well I know spending time with Celeste is important to you, I would’ve understood.”

“I know, but ummm…I also want to show you that this is important to me too.” She said and then bit her lip before turning to him quickly as they braked behind a line of cars along the 101, “You’re important to me.” She said more plainly and he smiled.

“Well thank you. I ummm…you’re important to me as well.” He said bashfully and she smiled before turning back to the road.

“I wanted to ask you something…” she said after a few minutes and he hummed, urging her to continue, “So I definitely need a little bit of help figuring out how to talk to Celeste about my feelings about my love life and how to address her concerns when I get to have that conversation with her and ummm…I want to talk to my therapist about it, but like…what would be the point if I lied about it?” She said and he chuckled.

“Right.”

“Right!” She smiled, “Like…I also don’t want to get you in trouble so I wanted to ensure that like I can talk to my therapist about us without there being any repercussions towards you. So do you think it’ll be an issue?” She asked nervously.

“I mean…yeah. Well it’s really not allowed…like I could…I could get into serious trouble and potentially lose both of my licenses to practice for dating a client’s family member because it’s never justifiable to potentially harm a client by putting my own wants or needs first.” He explained and she sighed.

“Oh…like I just knew it was not a good idea and unprofessional at the very least, I hadn’t really looked up the…actual ruling of it.”

“Yeah, I mean ACA recommends a 5 year gap between romantic relationships with a therapist who’s treated your family member, whereas other associations might say it’s less time, but ummm, most of us go by what ACA says, so yeah. It ummm…it wouldn’t be good for me at all and well, I don’t think your therapist could withhold from reporting that to the board because it’s more likely that something like this causes harm to the patient than not, you know? If she’s a good therapist she would say something.” He told her and she frowned, “And it’s not like I didn’t know that, but like I can’t help what I feel and I just really hate to think about it so I pushed it aside and I should’ve been more honest with you from the start.” He said and she nodded.

“Yeah, I get that.” She responded softly, “I’m sorry too if anything I ever did pushed you to break those rules or persuaded you to-”

“I did it all on my own, love. I’m pretty sure I’ve been the one pursuing you this whole time.” He said and she shook her head.

“I could’ve at least pretended to have some resolve so ummm…it’s on both of us. I mean…do you think anything about us has caused harm to Celeste?” She asked with concern, her eyes focused on the road.

“Mostly when we weren’t on speaking terms or something.” He said, “She perceived it more as like a lack of interest in her on your end when in reality it was just that we didn’t want to see each other.” He said and she bit her lip as her heart sank.

“Right…ummm, maybe lets not talk about this now.” She said as she turned to him briefly and he nodded.

“Yeah, another time.” He assured and she nodded and they went quiet as they both just started to think about what the hell they were even doing.

Harry felt bad now, he could see just how much this worried Diana. They could pretend all they wanted and they could choose to believe that there would be a good way to do this, but in reality all that they knew right now was that Celeste wasn’t ready for Diana to date and she wasn’t interested in finding another therapist. He had a duty to Celeste until she decided that he wasn’t the clinician for her. And well, Diana couldn’t be selfish with this, she’d said it many times before. It was unfair the way that life dangled someone so perfect in front of their faces and then placed only the biggest obstacle known to the universe between them. And this was an obstacle of gargantuan scale. Harry could very well lose both of his licenses if someone were to find out about this. If that happened he wouldn’t even have anything to fall back on because he for sure wouldn’t be able to work at the university with something like that on his record.

The silence between them seemed to confirm the thing they both feared the most, but the one thing that they knew was for the best. What a depressing first date, he thought to himself, to know that everything was over before it even started. Neither of them had to say it, the tense silence between them was deafening and just like that, the exciting promise of what the evening had in store for them had dissolved into nothing. When they arrived Diana parked her car and turned to him with welled up eyes and he frowned.

“Hey, don’t cry.” He said softly and she bit her lip and shook her head.

“Why are we even here? It’s so pointless!” She vented as she reached into the console and dabbed under her eyes with a napkin and he smiled sadly.

“Because we wanted to try.” He said to her and she exhaled shakily.

“If I had known that you could literally lose your livelihood I never would have even tried to befriend you!” She said with some panic and he shook his head.

“That’s not your fault. I want you. Me. I decided.” He said and she shook her head.

“You’re really stupid for that, you know?” She sniffled as she looked at him and he smiled at her and shrugged.

“I know. I’ve just never felt like this before and I can’t help but give into this feeling that I have when I think about how good everything could be.” He said and she nodded.

“I know…I just…won’t be the reason you have to give up the work you love so much.” She said resolutely and he nodded.

“Right, I also think about Celeste often and how this would go with her…I know how she feels about this and like…it would hurt her so much if she found out I’m the person who’s seeing you behind her back.” She nodded as she listened to him with so much sadness in her heart.

“This fucking sucks.” She whispered with pain and he nodded.

“I know, baby.” He responded softly, “Let’s just ummm…let’s just break the rules one last time, OK? I know you’re very excited about this and you took the time to plan it and we’re gonna have a good time, OK?” He said and she nodded to get herself to believe that she was fine and that her heart didn’t feel like it’d just been dropped into a vat of acid.

“OK.” She responded and just exhaled harshly before unbuckling her seatbelt and getting out of the car.

Harry followed suit and soon he was offering his hand to her and she was intertwining their fingers together as they followed some other couples to the main building. After checking in they were led to a gorgeous table outside, they were seated right by the dance floor and had an excellent view of the stage. The lights outside and the decor of the place was gorgeous and romantic. Their table even had a little notecard with their names embossed in gold into the thick paper. He turned to her and offered her a smile and as much as she tried to return the gesture he could see the sadness swimming in her eyes. She’d put herself out there, he knew it was hard for her to even do that and despite her best efforts she was not even close to getting what she wanted and that hurt and it was disappointing, he knew it was. It hurt him too.

“Hey.” He appealed to her softly and she turned to him.

“I’m sorry, I just didn’t know the repercussions could be that serious.” She said to him, “And now I kind of feel like…what’s the point, I guess?” She said and he frowned a bit. He wanted to tell her that the point of it all was that they loved each other and that somehow, some way they’d make it work, but he couldn’t guarantee that.

“Yeah, that’s fair. I should’ve been more straightforward about that before.” He said and she sighed, “I’m really sorry.” He apologized again and she shook her head.

“You don’t need to apologize. And I’m not upset at you, I’m upset at myself for being so…naive and like…careless I guess with this.” She said sadly and after a beat of silence she turned to him with a slight smile, “Well now that our evening is ruined.” She said with a slightly joking tone and he chuckled.

“It doesn’t have to be. We can just…pretend it’s not.” He suggested and she glanced down at her hands in her lap.

“I think that would hurt more tomorrow.” She glanced up at him with glossy eyes again and he nodded.

“Yeah. You’re right.” He said softly. And when the band came out on stage moments later everyone started clapping and cheering, but for them it just felt like a personal attack to their situation. Like the point of all of this was just for them to get hurt. 

Diana really wanted to make the most of it like Harry had said before they got out of the car, but seeing the other couples swaying to the romantic jazz music playing, having soft conversations over their wine, looking at each other with adoration, sharing their meals…it just felt so unfair. She wasn’t upset at Harry for just wanting to be loved as well, especially after he’d been cheated on, but clearly, this wasn’t as meant to be as she thought it was. That was the only way she could rationalize the obstacles. Why couldn’t things just be easy for once? Why did there have to be layers of complications over everything in her life? Why was she burdened with so much love and feeling and have no one to share it with? She abruptly stood from the table and grabbed her cloth napkin and walked off into the garden, she just needed a bit of alone time to get it together. 

“Di?” She heard Harry’s voice after a minute and she let out a shaky breath.

“J-just a minute.” She responded as she dabbed under her eyes to prevent the tears from streaking her makeup. She heard him coming closer and she furrowed her eyebrows, “I just need a minute!” She called back again as she started to cry a bit more and then she felt his warm hand over her shoulder before he draped his jacket over her shoulders and that seemed to do her in because she just curled in on herself and started sobbing. 

“I hate this. I hate my life so much, Harry.” She whimpered and he frowned and sat beside her. “Why am I always stuck?!” She asked rhetorically, “Why am I always last? Why am I on the back burner of the universe’s fucking list of priorities? Why can’t I just have something that I want? Just once?” She asked and he shook his head as his own tears fell silently.

“Baby, I don’t know.” He responded softly as he reached for her hand and she let him take it and intertwine their fingers. 

“You know that I can’t do this because I love you, right?” She asked and more of his tears fell as he heard the words he knew were coming.

“Yeah.” He responded softly and sniffled. “And ummm, I really love you, but I also really love Celeste…” he said softly and she turned to him upon him saying that, that’s all she had ever wanted, for someone to love her and her daughter, “I could never forgive myself if I hurt her because I was being selfish.” He said softly, “You guys mean the world to me, Di. You have to know that. Like…I felt so…empty before. And you two came along and filled a void that I had given up on trying to fill. I also can’t risk driving a wedge between you two or to cultivate  any mistrust or resentment.” He explained, “And like…I don’t see how we can have us without at least one of these things being impacted.” He said sadly.

“I know.” She sighed in defeat. They sat there for a bit, listening to the music from afar, holding hands and just basking in the beautiful potential before the vision completely disappeared. “I ummm…I think I just want to go home.” She said softly after the song playing ended and they heard the applause from the diners on the other side of the hedge. They stood from the bench they were on and just then they started playing a Chet Baker song, “It’s Always You” and Harry stopped.

“Let’s have a dance? I love Chet Baker.” He asked softly and she smiled up at him despite her tearful eyes and she nodded.

“I love him too. And I love this song.” She responded as she rested against his chest and they swayed quietly to the beautiful melody being sung so easily. And she smiled when the trumpeter took his solo. Harry held Diana close and chanced a glance up at the emerging moon in the sky as the sky got darker and darker by the minute. He knew the song would be over very soon and the bubble would burst. He pulled back a bit and grabbed her face and as their eyes met she leaned closer and he kissed her softly and slowly, trying to show her everything he felt with that kiss. It got teary quickly and as the song ended and people cheered for the classic, they pulled apart with hesitation. The last bit of light was used to just look into each others eyes for just another moment.

“Ready to go?” He asked her and she nodded.

“Yeah, let’s go.” She confirmed and they let go of each other and just walked back to their table. She grabbed her bag and then she led them back to the main building.

“Do you want me to drive?” Harry asked her as they made it out and she shook her head.

“I’m alright.” She assured him and he nodded. It did surprise him that she reached for his hand, but he held it tight as they made the drive back. It was nearly an hour drive and there was very minimal conversation, they were just with each other. “Are you hungry at all?” She asked as the neared their exit.

“Ummm, not really. Are you?”

“No.” She confirmed, “So just ummm…straight home?” She asked before she clenched her jaw a bit and he nodded.

“Yeah, that’s fine.” He said before letting go of her hand to grab his phone from his pocket since it had started to vibrate. He huffed when he saw it was just a spam caller and he ignored it before setting it back down, but when he glanced over to grab her hand again she had it on the steering wheel now. It hurt so bad, he literally felt a weight in his chest. He hated to see her walls slowly going back up, but he needed to do it too. He just needed to guard himself for a bit because this one hurt so much more than he though it ever could and it had barely been anything and well, that was terrifying. 

As they pulled into his street the feeling started getting worse, but there was nothing that he could do to change this. It just wasn’t in the stars and he needed to accept that. As she pulled into his driveway she put the car in park and unbuckled herself to give him back his jacket.

“Here’s this.” She said with a soft smile.

“Yeah, thanks. You really do look so remarkable tonight.” He smiled.

“You too, Harry.” She responded and he sighed.

“We’re doing the right thing.” He said and she nodded in agreement.

“We are.” She said with certainty and with that he stepped out of her car. He really just wanted to plop into bed and sulk for the rest of the weekend. He was just making sure he had everything in his pockets when she rolled the window down.

“Harry?” She called to him and he peeked in, “Thank you for what we did have. I haven’t felt so happy in a long, long time.” She said to him with gratitude.

“Neither have I.” He responded with a smile and with that he backed up and let her back out. He waved one last time before she took off and the rage that he felt building up inside of him was unlike anything he had ever experienced. As soon as Harry got inside he slammed the door loudly and kicked off his shoes haphazardly before groaning in frustration. She was the love of his life he knew it, so why wasn’t it working? His anger became sadness and before he even realized it he was just sliding down the door and heaving through his sobs because this hurt more than he ever thought it could. And in his pain he just thought of her and admired her even more, she had been through so much worse and he couldn’t imagine surviving heartbreak after heartbreak, like her. He wanted to help her, not be another thing that broke her heart. He should’ve stopped himself, he knew better and now look how things had ended up. This was all his fault.

********

Diana distracted herself with setting up the modules for her Spanish class all weekend. Summer was hectic as their courses only lasted a month and in reality being this busy was a blessing in disguise because it would allow her to just fret over her online lectures and Celeste getting ready for band camp. Celeste was excited and even loved helping Diana sharpie her initials into all of her clothing item tags that she wanted to take with her. She did have an eventful week all on her own, but also with Celeste’s things.

Celeste had the bake sale in a few hours to help raise a bit more money for the camp fee for the students who needed a sponsorship. Diana had just finished her lecture so she made it out of her home office and drank some water before calling after Celeste to hurry down so they could head over to the Sprinkles store and buy the 3 dozen cupcakes she would be donating for the bake sale. As soon as they settled into the car they took off and Celeste started searching up music to play for the ride.

“You know who should open a bakery? Dr. Styles!” Celeste said with a big smile to Diana who felt her heart shrivel up at the mention of his name, but nonetheless smiled wide when Celeste brought him up.

“Oh yeah? It was that good?” She asked.

“It was amazing! Best cupcake I’ve ever eaten.” She recalled, “Hopefully he does that for all of my birthdays.” She said with a small smile and the thought of that made Diana’s stomach twist.

“God, how many birthdays are you planning to be in therapy?” She giggled and Celeste shrugged.

“I mean, you’ve been working with the same therapist since college right?” She asked her mom and Diana nodded.

“That’s true…” she confirmed and swallowed the lump that seemed to constantly work it’s way up in her throat at this point. It was a possibility for Celeste to want to continue working with him for a long time. 

“I’m sure it won’t be every single year, but I’d go to him for as long as possible, it just feels like he really cares about me.” She said and Diana nodded as she listened, it was the truth. He cared about Celeste, loved her even, is what he had admitted to her. “I feel like it might be awkward to get to try and get to that stage with a new person. And I guess he never felt like a stranger, it just felt easy.” She explained. 

“Well that’s great. It can definitely be awkward to get to that point of trust with a therapist, it typically takes a lot of time.” She explained.

“I bet.” She smiled, “So yeah, I mean, I’m thinking I’ll have a lifetime supply of delicious cupcakes.” She shrugged and Diana forced a smile again. “I’ll be sure to share it with you next year so you can see for yourself.” She smiled.

“Wow, thanks. So generous.” She giggled but the thought alone made her want to throw up.

“I know. Oh, I forgot to tell Dr. Styles about being gone for band camp for a month last time! I’ll tell him next week, please remind me.” Celeste said and Diana nodded.

“Yeah, of course sweetheart.” She agreed, completely forgetting that she still had to see him, but at least she wouldn’t have to after that for a whole month.

The bake sale had been going well, they had a great turn out and made enough to be able to help an 10 kids to get to the band camp, which was great! Diana was friendly with a few of the other moms that were there and they definitely provided a good distraction. Thankfully, she’d never had a bad experience with anyone for being younger or single so it was a great time chatting with them all and getting to see Celeste socializing with her friends. Soon enough she was helping clean things up a bit before they all took off. 

Diana and Celeste had a good time eating dinner while they watched a show that Celeste really wanted to watch with her. So they got a few episodes in before they cleaned up and then they got ready for bed and Celeste joined Diana in her room as they waited for their face masks to dry as they continued watching the show. Diana just knew that as soon as Celeste was gone she’d get depressed.

**********

It was finally Thursday and Diana had just wrapped up her zoom lecture, reminding the students that their first exam would be the next week. She hung around in case anyone had questions, but after the last student logged out she closed the app and pulled up her portal to start to grade assignments. She was a couple in when her phone started ringing.

 She glanced over and smiled when she saw Grace’s name.

“Hello?” She sang.

“Hey girl, how’s the week been?” She asked and Y/N sighed.

“It’s been…interesting. How about yours?”

“Pretty good. Ummm…I was calling you about plans for the weekend? As you know, it’s escape room day, but I really want to do something different. Maybe a paint room? Or a wreck room?”

“Oh ummm…would it be us?”

“Yeah, us and Henry, and Harry.” She cooed playfully. And while Diana’s lips twitched up at the mention of his name, her eyes grew dim and the joy she felt withered into sadness.

“Oh. Ummm, then maybe not.” She responded with a huff.

“Oh no…what happened?” Grace asked and Diana sighed.

“It’s…a lot.” She sighed.

“So?” Grace questioned and Diana sniggered.

“I just don’t want Celeste to overhear something.” She said softly.

“Gotcha. Well, lucky for you I’m down the street and come bearing some delicious Persian food…literally went downtown at this hour to pick up some Dream Kabob House because she knows it’s your absolute favorite…” she said and Diana chuckled.

“Celeste called you?” She asked.

“Yeah, she said you were acting weird? I don’t know what she meant by that, but she wanted us to have dinner and play games until she got picked up by her friend’s mom or something.”

“Yeah, they’re going to that Super Mario’s World thing or something tomorrow.” She explained. 

“OK, well then good thing I have my bag packed! I was planning on spending the night with Henry…but I can postpone.” Grace said, “I mean, I will wear my cute lingerie to sleep because I’m not letting the outfit go to waste and you’re more than welcome to get dolled up with me…for bed of course.” She said and Diana chuckled.

“I think after spending the evening with me you’ll be asking me to borrow some yoga pants and a t-shirt.”

“That bad, huh?” Grace asked and Diana sighed.

“Yeah.” She hummed sadly.

“Well I hope you’re hungry for some comfort food.”

“I definitely am.” Diana chuckled.

“Is Dream Kabob House really your favorite or did Celeste play me? Because she neglected to tell me it was cash only and I had to pay nearly a $5 fee just to get you this food…” Grace added and Diana laughed.

“Yeah ummmm, it’s definitely a favorite.” She assured.

“Good. I’m turning into your street now.”

“OK. See you in a sec.”

“Yep!” Grace hummed before she hung up. Diana slipped into her slippers and headed out of her bedroom and knocked on Celeste’s door.

“Come in!” Diana heard her muffled voice and she opened up the door.

“All packed for tomororw?” She asked and Celeste nodded, “Perfect, auntie Grace is about to get here with the food.” Diana informed as she wandered into Celeste’s room. She had been practicing her guitar, as it was in her arms and her headphones were on, this set up was a gift from Damian about 2 Christmases ago so that Celeste could practice all she wanted and not be plugged into a loud ass amp.

“Oh OK, cool.” She smiled. Diana saw her close up a little journal and smiled.

“Are you trying to write songs?” She asked her and Celeste looked up with nervous eyes.

“Oh ummm…not really? I don’t know…”

“Well if you are I think that’s really cool and ummm, just practice a lot. Writing I mean, it’ll help you get better.” She smiled and Celeste looked a little shy about this but nodded. “Alright mamita, we’ll see you down there.” She said as she started to retreat.

“Ummm mom?”

“Yeah?” Diana asked as she turned back around.

“Are you OK?” Celeste asked and Diana frowned.

“What makes you think I’m not?” She asked her as she came closer.

“I don’t know…something just feels…different about you? Like you’re kind of…in your head a lot? I don’t know how to explain it…” she said and Diana sighed.

“Oh, I’m just stressed out. I’ve never had to teach a whole Spanish Language class in a month.” She said with furrowed eyebrows, she wasn’t lying because that had been very stressful, “I just ummm…I don’t know how well prepared students will be if they decide to CLEP it after they take this class. Like how much of a language can you actually learn in just a month?” She wondered.

“Well I only learned: Je m'appelle Céleste. J'ai quinze ans et j'aime jouer de la guitare et aller au cinéma avec mes amis - in the entire semester so…I would say not too much.” She said and Diana laughed loudly which made Celeste smile.

“I love you, kiddo.” Diana beamed and Celeste got her guitar off and hurried over to Diana and hugged her tight.

“I love you too, mom.” She hummed as she cuddled up to her. 

And in this moment Diana didn’t feel as much hurt. She loved her daughter more than her own life, there wasn’t anything she wasn’t willing to do to keep her happy and safe. Including staving off her own wants and needs at times, just for a little longer. It was a sad reality of motherhood, it’s not like you lost parts of yourself or neglected yourself, it’s just that until your kids were old enough to have their own lives your life revolved around preparing them for that and giving them good lessons and tools and experiences to help them start becoming their own person. It was a beautiful thing, to pour so much love and attention into someone and watch them start to take ownership of that and to make their own thing out of everything you’d given them. She would never regret her ability to be a mother. It was the best thing that had ever happened to her. They were in the middle of their embrace when they heard Grace open up the front door, she had her own key to their house.

“Food’s here!” She called loudly and Celeste giggled.

“Auntie Grace is kind of crazy.” She said and Diana cackled.

“Kind of? You can say it, we all know she’s completely bonkers.” She assured her and Celeste laughed as they made their way downstairs. 

Their girl time had been really nice. It had helped lift Diana’s spirits, especially after her nice little moment with Celeste. She felt better about her decision, but she knew that as soon as Celeste was gone to camp the hurt would take over. It had to, she hadn’t allowed herself to really feel it all: the shattered sense of hope, the feeling like all of it had just been some delusional & out of reach thing that she never should have put any of her energy or heart into, her anger towards timing, and more importantly, how walking away from Harry felt so wrong to do. It felt like a mistake and that’s what made it so hard. She needed to grieve everything that they could’ve been, because if fate had been kinder to them she was sure that they would be the best family. However, for now she had to remind herself that they did the right thing. This was the right thing to do.

Celeste got picked up around 8pm and that left Grace and Diana alone to talk about what had actually happened. Grace made them some mixed vodka drinks with whatever she could find in Diana’s fridge and soon they were sitting out on her balcony as Diana just sobbed her eyes out about Harry and how their first official date had been completely wrecked by reality.

“-like I have no idea what I thought would happen? Maybe I was just subconsciously convincing myself to never look into it so that I wouldn’t feel bad about what could happen to him if someone found out! I don’t know…like…he could lose everything and Celeste would be so hurt…she would feel so betrayed, Grace!” Diana sobbed as Grace nodded and listened, “I just…I know that for right now this is the right thing to do, but it feels really wrong.” She sniffled, “Like…he’s everything I never knew I needed.” She said with a sad smile, “Literally the fucking best and I just…I’m in love with him.” She confessed quietly and Grace pouted as she heard this and then Diana started sobbing again.

Grace set her drink down and pulled Diana into her chest and just held her. Diana had already been through so much, it felt unfair for her to be subject to anymore inconveniences or pains like this. It broke Grace’s heart to see her best friend in this situation.

“I ummm, I need you to do me a favor please?” Diana sniffled.

“Yeah, anything.” She assured.

“On Monday can you take Celeste to therapy?” She asked and Grace frowned, “It’s still too fresh, I just…I can’t see him and keep it together and I also don’t want him to get upset and then it’s weird in session with Celeste, like…I just think it’d be best.” Diana said and she nodded.

“Of course I’ll take her.”

“Thank you. And just a forwarning, I’m like…holding it all in until she’s gone for camp. So ummm, if the next few weeks are just weird and I’m MIA just know I’m just going through it. I just really need to be sad about this before she’s back.” 

“Yeah, I get it.” Grace assured, “I’ll check in a bit, OK?”

“Thank you.” Diana hummed.

“Course. What’re friends for?”

************

Harry was in a state. He showed up to the escape room via uber because he was already stoned. He assured them it was a sativa blend so he was ready for the escape room and sure enough, they completed the room in nearly 39 minutes. 

Harry warded off a lot of his unwanted feelings via his intellect. He felt really good and smart and that helped numb a lot of things for him. He needed the stimulation to be distracted and unfortunately for him, his work week was slow. So he’d been writing a lot of stuff, poems and songs, he’d been reading and started writing articles and research papers for potential publishing. He just needed to be distracted and all of that had been going really well until they were at their usual bar and he found himself standing at the exact same spot of the bar where he had talked to Diana at the first time they had hung out together. He remembers her bashfulness and coyness, how her perfume just wafted around her and made him feel like he was floating on a cloud of her all evening; he had a girlfriend then. He remembers the urge to just touch and be closer to her. He remembers feeling invincible from the amount of self-control he had that night because he definitely didn’t want to do anything that was unbecoming while he was taken, but the temptation was far too great. She was everything he never knew he needed. If soulmates were real, she had to be his. 

During the night, Grace’s watchful eye on him indicated to him that she’d had a conversation with Diana already about what had happened. Henry also knew something was off with him, but he kept assuring him he was fine. However, Harry didn’t ever drink carelessly like he was tonight; The more drinks he got into him the more the vision of her called to him. He loved her so fucking much and he missed her. He couldn’t believe that this was all there was to their story. Star-crossed lovers…so typical. He regretted not being honest about the repercussions from the start…maybe it would’ve prevented them from getting closer. He had tried his best though, tried to stay away, to stave off his feelings, to ignore the inevitable pull he felt towards her, like a magnet or a moth to a flame. He got down from the stool he was on and both Grace and Henry looked at him, concerned for what he was going to do in this state.

“Relax, just gonna go - for a wee.” He hiccuped and trudged off to the bathroom. He finished and washed his hands and splashed a bit of cool water on his face which actually did nothing to help whatsoever in his state. So he made his way out and then he stopped in his tracks as he remembered Diana asking him if she really wanted them to just keep things cordial for the sake of their dual-relationship and he told her something about fearing that if they got friendly it wouldn’t be enough at some point. God, he’d been so right, he hated it - maybe he had set something in motion just because he voiced that to her then. In a moment of longing madness, sadness, and regret he made it out of the bar and leaned against the wall as he pulled his phone out and called her.

********

“Mom, Mario World was so cool!” Celeste raved as she came back down stairs from her shower. Diana was just packing away the left overs from the dinner she’d made herself.

“Yeah?” She asked with a smile.

“Yes! Can we go again soon?” She asked and Diana smiled as she snapped the glass container shut.

“Sure, mamita. We can plan something for when you come back, yeah?”

“Perfect!” Celeste beamed. Diana could hear her phone ringing in her purse at the end of the counter and she was a bit confused at who would be calling her after 10pm, so she decided to ignore it. “Can we watch a movie?” Celeste asked.

“You’re not tired after the day you’ve had?” Diana chuckled and sighed as her phone started ringing again.

“I’m on a adrenaline high right now.” She smirked, “Also a sugar high…I know you told me not to but I had at least 4 churros today and a voodoo donut on the way out.” She smiled at her mother with a coy look in her eyes and Diana smirked as she shook her head.

“You’re so stinking cute I can’t even be upset at you…” Diana admitted and Celeste smiled. “Fine, let’s watch a movie… go get something on.” She said and Celeste rushed out of the kitchen, “And you’re drinking some cinnamon tea because it’s good for your glucose levels!” She called and heard Celeste groan from the TV room, “You did this to yourself!” She shouted back and then heard her phone ring again and that did put a slight concern in her, maybe it was Grace or Damian? And with the recent event with Harry, a late night phone call seemed extremely daunting. She fished her phone out of her purse and frowned when she saw 3 missed calls from Harry, and then it started ringing again and before the temptation to answer became too great she locked her phone, automatically ignoring the call. A lump formed in her throat and she decided to just text Grace to check on him because she was worried…4 calls? Something had to be wrong. So she opened up her texts to message grace.

As soon as her message was sent her phone chimed notifying her of a voice mail and she sighed and went over to that screen. She saw that it had been him and it just put this pit in her stomach. She knew it would make her cry so she decided to just get to it later. She set the kettle for the tea and then moved on to her next task.

“Mamita, I’m going to go up and wash my face and get into my PJ’s! I’ll be there in a minute!” She called to Celeste.

“OK!” She shouted and so Diana grabbed her purse and headed up stairs. 

Diana changed her clothes first and she glanced to her purse, sitting there at the bench at the end of her bed. She stopped at her bathroom door and just looked at it for a moment; her curiosity was getting the best of her. She just walked over and fished her phone out before heading into her bathroom. She saw another text from Grace from a minute or so ago and opened up the phone and just saw that Harry was fine, just got a bit in his feelings and that he was very sorry for calling her, she just ‘hearted’ the message and before swiping out to her home screen. Then another text came in from Harry and she just clicked on the notification banner and then frowned as she read over his text.

She continued to do as he asked and blocked him, the tears built up in her eyes and then she proceeded to delete their texting thread. She then opened up her calls app and pressed on his voice mail and her finger hovered over the little garbage bin icon with so much hesitation, she then quickly clicked over to the play button and brought her phone up to her ear and she sighed through a laugh at the sound of his breath coming through the speaker.

“Hey Di. I ummm…I’m sorry I wasn’t honest with you from the start. I just wanted you to know that I wasn’t because I knew from the start that we would be in trouble and I just…wasn’t ready to accept that I guess. I’ve been trying so hard not to think about you, but nothing is fucking working…” he chuckled, “I’m just so sad. It sucks. I’ve gotta say that I hope it’s been…sucking for you too.” He admitted and she smiled because she knew he was smiling as well, she could just hear it in his voice, “I just needed to tell you that I love you so fucking much. And ummm, I don’t know if we’ll figure this out or ummm…if I’ll just have to keep loving you from afar for the rest of my life, but I guess it doesn’t matter ‘cause either way I still love you.” He said softly, “Ummm, that’s it. That’s all I wanted to say. Love you, bye.”

  She glanced up to the ceiling as her hot tears streamed down her face before she exhaled sharply through her nose and set her phone down. Her lips were pressed together to avoid a sob from breaking through. She reached for her makeup balm and got to work on getting her face cleaned instead. After she’d finished washing everything off and getting her other products in she looked at herself in the mirror and ensured that the frown was off her face before she joined Celeste. She tossed her phone onto her bed and got into her slippers before hurrying down to serve their teas and then went into the TV room.

“Took you long enough!” Celeste said and Diana rolled her eyes as she set their teas down.

“What are we watching?” She asked as she got onto the couch.

“LaLa Land!” Celeste said with a big grin and then searched it up and pressed play. Diana swore that the universe had her in for it…and sure enough, she had never cried harder at this film. 

“You always cry…” Celeste laughed lowly and Diana sniffled.

“Of course! It’s beautiful…they can’t…be together for the sake of the big picture and for the sake of their dreams, but they were both still able to be happy and they…still love each other.” She said as her stomach sank, “Even if it’s just from…afar.” She sighed before she dabbed at her eyes again.

“That’s not beautiful, that sucks!” Celeste said with a scowl, “What’s the point of soul mates if you can’t even be together?” Celeste asked and Diana sighed.

“I don’t know…”

“Mom?”

“Yeah?”

“Ummm…was dad your soul mate?” She asked looking to her, eagerly awaiting a response. And of the first time in her life, Diana wasn’t sure. She always thought he might be until she’d gotten to know Harry deeper. The way she loved Harry was different. Maybe it was just because she was older now? But he was definitely the person she’d consider to be her soulmate.

“Honestly mamita, I don’t know… I don’t think we had enough time together to really know. But what does it matter? I still have you, don’t I?” Diana said with smile and Celeste grinned.

“True!” She hummed happily and with that they both went to bed. 

Diana tried her best not to think about it too much. After all, entertaining any fantasies about what she could have with anyone in her future only brought her back to Harry. To Harry who was so sad without her. Just as sad as she felt without him.

*********

Harry woke up the next morning with the worst headache. He’d definitely outdone himself and made a right fool of himself. He sat up slowly only to realize he was still in his clothes from the night before and was just plopped down on his bed. He sighed and dragged himself to the bathroom and had a quick shower before making his way to the kitchen.

“Oh good, you’re up!” Henry said with a smile.

“Yeah, hardly.” Harry chuckled breathily, “Did you stay?” 

“Yeah. Had to drag you in here, get you to at least brush your teeth after we got some food in you.” He chuckled and Harry nodded.

“I wasn’t too bad, was I?”

“No, just…cried a bit on the way back from Monty’s.” He informed. There was no teasing to his tone.

“Yeah… I’m not doing too good.” He said and Henry frowned.

“Do you want to tell me about what’s going on? I’ll fix you some eggs?” He offered.

“Yeah…umm it’s about…Diana.” He said and Henry nodded as he served Harry an espresso and handed the cup over, “Thanks.” He nodded and let Harry continue, “She had asked me on a date and so we went out last week. We went up to the mountains near the beach, it’s a vineyard with jazz and dancing…” he said with a soft smile. “She decided to give me a chance, to take a leap. But she starting talking about how she wants to talk to Celeste about her love life before she properly gets into anything and she asked me if she could…talk to her own therapist about what’s going on and just get some help with how to have that conversation and I…told her no. I told her the rules and what would be at stake if another professional would find out about us. And I also told her that I felt guilty about… Celeste and that I was afraid of hurting her with this because I know firsthand how she feels about Diana dating.” Harry explained, “And well, after that honest conversation…on the way to the date, by the way… it just kind of ruined everything. We tried to sit through it but I think we both just… think too much and so we left early and ummm…agreed that that was it.”

“Fuck, I’m sorry man.”

“I love her. I told her a few weeks ago…she loves me too. And I love Celeste, she’s such a cool kid.” He said with a small smile, “And well, she told me she loved me too much to risk me losing everything I’ve worked hard for. And well of course, she loves Celeste and doesn’t want to hurt her.”

“Yeah, I think she’s great for that.”

“I just…can’t help but feel like letting her go isn’t the right thing. You told me once that when you met Grace you felt awake for the first time... that’s how Diana makes me feel. I feel alive ever since she came into my life. She helped me see everything that I was missing and how badly I’ve neglected the simple pleasures I’ve always wanted for myself. You told me I’d have to be an idiot to ignore signs like that.” Harry said with a soft smile.

“Well yeah, but fuck.” Henry said, “I want this for you, H. I do, but I have to side with Diana on this one. You can’t give up your livelihood for this. I mean, what’s the problem with just waiting a few years?”

“I would wait however long it took, but I can’t ask her to wait for me. I couldn’t. And who knows how long I’ll actually be Celeste’s therapist…the five years I’m supposed to wait could very well begin 5 years from now…I’ll be 40-something but then! Half my life would’ve been spent working and I’ll have the bare minimum to show for it. I don’t want to waste any more time when everything I’ve ever wanted is right in front of me.” He stated, “But I know she won’t let me. As much as I‘d want to.” 

“I’m really sorry.” Henry said and Harry shrugged.

“Time to move on I guess.” He said with a sigh.

Yes, he was gutted but he needed to move past this in order to be able to be alright. He had to. When he saw Diana for Celeste’s appointment that would be it, his last chance to just take her in. He wondered if she was as nervous to see him as he was her. He would certainly put a bit more effort into his look and hopefully she did the same, wanting to impress him, but if only she knew that her mere existence was impressive to him, she didn’t need to try anything else to have him be in awe of her. He wanted to apologize to her in person for his behavior the night before and just…leave it off like that. 

So the next morning he did get a bit more dressed up and even the idea of getting to be in her presence had significantly lifted his mood and he was looking forward to seeing her and Celeste all day. 

“Alright Jerry, prescription’s in at your pharmacy and we’re all set for a month from now, alright? Same day and same time. Remember to eat with those meds!” Harry confirmed.

“Thanks, Dr. Styles. See you then.” The man said with a smile and they shook hands before he exited through the other door in his office that led to the hallway. He locked that and then hurried into his bathroom to just look himself over before he retrieved Celeste. He was nervous to see Diana, but he was happy and excited for it as well because he missed her. This is why he was already smiling as he headed to his office door and then swung it open cheerfully.

“Good afternoon, ladies- Grace?” His greeting was cut-off and his face morphed into an expression of utter confusion upon seeing Grace sitting beside Celeste, not Diana. “Where’s Diana?” He asked right away, out of pure instinct really and Grace’s eyes went wide and she shook her head slightly as Celeste stood from her seat.

“She had tutoring hours to help her class prep for their first Spanish test.” Celeste cut in with a smile and he looked over to her and smiled.

“Oh right, summer school!” He chuckled, playing off his disappointment, “How was your bake sale?” He asked and she smiled wider.

“Really good! Mom got us sprinkles cupcakes and people were really going for those.” She shared enthusiastically. “Though your cupcake was better.” She said to him and he chuckled.

“Oh really?” 

“Yes, 100% honest!” Celeste said and he chuckled.

“Well I’m glad you enjoyed it. Let’s head on in, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Celeste hummed and made her way inside.

“S’good to see you again, Grace.” Harry said and she smirked.

“You don’t have to lie, I know you’re disappointed.” She said quietly with a small smile and he chuckled.

“Just let me at least pretend, Grace.” He said with a slight chuckle and he shrugged.

“Sorry. She really was busy though.” She said to him and well, he wasn’t going to tell her that he knew she was lying. “Also, here.” She said standing up and handing over some cash for Celeste’s visit, “She said Celeste often forgets.”

“Yeah.” He chuckled, “Thanks.” He said and then turned to head into his office. He was definitely in a shitty mood now. He knew it would be hard to see Diana, but he’d rather be sad after seeing her than be sad because he did not get to see her at all. 

**********

Celeste was greeting Misty on her little tower as she saw from the corner of her eye that Dr. Styles settled into his seat and just reached for his notebook. He was usually a lot chattier and happy to see her and so she wondered if maybe she’d done something wrong. She was a bit insecure because she never wanted to make him upset at her and even thinking that he was upset at her about something gave her the same feeling she got in her chest and stomach when her mom was upset at her for something. She felt anxious now and she was scared to ask, so she just kept petting Misty as she asked.

“Are you upset at me or something?” She asked and Dr. Styles was frowning a bit when she finally looked over at him.

“No, I’m not upset at you. I’m sorry. It’s just been a stressful day for me and my weekend wasn’t too good so ummm yeah…sorry.” He apologized and with that she made her way over to the couch. Harry wasn’t surprised that Misty hopped off of her tower and followed Celeste to the couch. She smiled as soon as she heard the little bell on her collar jingle to indicate she was on the move behind her.

“It’s OK, bad days happen.” She said with a soft smile, “I forgot to mention last time that I’m going to band camp at the end of the week, I’ll be gone for a month.”

“Oh, that’s cool! Are you excited for that?” He asked and she nodded eagerly.

“Yeah, it’s my first time going and a few of my friends from band get to go so it should be fun. I hope…” she said nervously. She was nervous about Ben and how things would play out…was this a chance for summer romance? Would he ask her to be his girlfriend at the end of camp? Or would she maybe get to have her first kiss?

“What’re you smirking about there?” He asked with a chuckle and she immediately stopped smiling.

“Nothing…just thinking about camp.” She lied and he hummed knowingly.

“Sure thing.” Dr. Styles smirked and she went all pink in the cheeks, “I’m not gonna push on that if you don’t want to talk about it. But we can talk about whatever it is.” He assured her and she nodded and got the courage to look back into his eyes and as she did she wussed out.

“Yeah, no I don’t think I can talk about this with you.” She said after a few moments and he chuckled.

“Alright, that’s fair.” He said and she smiled bashfully. “So ummm…if we’re not going to talk about band camp what are we going to work on today?” He asked her and she shrugged.

“I don’t know, you’re the grown up.” She said with a smile and he chuckled.

“Right…” he said and before he could ask her something she spoke up.

“Can we talk about why you’re having a bad day?” She asked and he smiled.

“That’s thoughtful of you, but this is about you.” He said and she sighed.

“Well… I guess we can talk about band camp.” She said and he chuckled again, “I’m a bit nervous as this will be my first time away from home for that long. I’m worried I’ll get home sick.” She explained and he hummed, “Mom and I usually take a vacation over the summer with Grace, which I mean that’s not happening anymore since she used the money to pay for my camp so I do feel kinda bad for that. I know she looks forward to going away for a bit and we won’t be, she’s gonna be stuck at home teaching all month long. Kinda feel bad for ruining her plans.” He said and Harry nodded in understanding.

“I mean, do you think your mom regrets allowing you to go to camp?”

“Probably not…she seemed excited about it at first, but as we get closer she seems a bit sad now. I think it’s hitting her that she’s gonna be all alone for a bit.” She explained and well, that made Harry sad. Diana would definitely feel bummed and well, he knew from Henry that he and Grace were planning to go to Seattle for a week, so Diana would be all alone then as well.

“Is there anything you can do to make her not feel lonely?”

“Yeah…I think just check in with her every day before I go to bed or something?”

“Yeah, that’s a good option.” He agreed with a smile, it was forced for sure but he couldn’t help but wonder if Diana was happy about Celeste going to band camp because it meant they could have more time together and now they couldn’t have anything. 

Celeste watched as Dr. Styles’ smile fell just a bit and she felt bad. She knew something was wrong because he was not at all himself today. He seemed distracted and disappointed, she was glad it had nothing to do with her, but it still made her sad to see him so low and in the dumps.

“Are you feeling OK after what happened with that boy?” He brought up to her and she glanced up at him quickly and nodded.

“It’s fine. We talked about it the next day at school. It was just a misunderstanding.” She said and he hummed.

“Do you…like him?” He asked her and she felt her face heating up again.

“A bit? He’s just a friend though so he can do whatever he wants.” She assured him as best as she could and he hummed.

“Does he like you back?”

“Maybe…” she said cooly as she reached over to pet Misty who was sitting like a little loaf under the coffee table.

“Does he know you like him?” He asked and she sighed.

“Yes, he knows. Well “like” is…a bit much. He’s just cool. It’s not like I want to like…be his girlfriend or something like that.” She said with a shrug and he smiled at her because the blush staining her cheeks said otherwise.

“Oh OK. You just seemed really bummed out by that the other week. Thought maybe you were going out or something, it seemed serious.” He said and she glanced up to him.

“Did it?” She asked and Dr. Styles nodded in confirmation.

“Had this whole thing about relationships ready for you just in case.” He said and she smiled bashfully.

“Well you can still tell me if you want because well, you never know!” She said and he chuckled.

“Sure. So ummm…I think the first thing to know is that when you’re at this age most people don’t really…take your love life seriously. They play it down because you’re young or whatever other BS reason they have. However, I want you to know that no matter what age you are, your feelings are real and they’re valid and I want you to know that I will never be the kind of person to burst your bubble. And I know for a fact your mum feels the same way because well, your dad was her first boyfriend and well, here you are, that’s as real as love gets!” He said and she laughed softly.

“I mean…I was an accident.” She said with a small shrug and he chuckled.

“A happy accident then because if she didn’t want to have a forever reminder about her love for your dad, Wes, well then you wouldn’t be here, you know?” He said and she hummed pensively, “Especially after all the hurt that him being gone caused her. I mean, she loved him for real, you know? It didn’t matter that she was a teenager.” He said and she smiled.

“That’s true.” She agreed. 

“So yeah, all love is real and valid. Second thing is what I told you after we had dinner after your concert and I’ll say it again because I think this is the piece we all have a hard time getting through our heads. You’re worth so much more than to have anything less than someone’s full effort, Celeste. Every person deserves to be loved well and wholeheartedly, so if you ever feel like someone is not doing their part or they’re not reciprocating or respecting you or the relationship, or if you get betrayed by someone, as hard as it can be, letting go is the best thing for you. Sometime love requires sacrifice and compromise, but it’s only sometimes and you shouldn’t be the only one experiencing that in a relationship.” He said and she nodded.

“Last thing is just that heartbreak feels like the end of the world. It always does, no matter how many times you experience it, it never gets easier.” He said to her, “But I promise you, it’s not the end of the world. You will be OK again and you will find the strength to pull yourself back together and to feel joy and you will likely fall in love multiple times in your life. But when you’re going through that it just feels like you’re…lost for a while, I guess? Sometimes it does feel…hopeless,” He said as he just faced the reality of his own feelings, “and that’s OK. Losing a love or even the hope of a love sometimes, it can be demoralizing and it can feel so lonely. But all that matters is that you know that there will always be people who love you and that one day you’ll wake up and feel like yourself again and that’s something you can look forward to.” He said with a small smile and she smiled back at him.

“Good tips.” She said and he smiled.

“Well, I try.” He said as he glanced down at his lap with a chuckle.

“Dr. Styles, do you have a girlfriend or boyfriend or anything?” She asked and he glanced back up to her and shook his head.

“Not at the moment.” He responded.

“Do you feel sad about that?” She asked and he shrugged.

“Sometimes I do, other times I’m quite glad I don’t have anyone.” He said and she looked at him weird.

“Why are you glad?”

“Because sometimes relationships are complicated. And sometimes people hurt you and in my line of work I see that a lot, I see a lot of emotionally hurt people and I just feel relieved that there’s no chance that could happen to me being single.”

“You don’t want kids?”

“I mean…I could adopt or foster. Don’t need a partner for that.” He smiled.

“That’s right!” She said with a big smile at his response, “That makes me happy for you because I think you’d be a really great father if you ever wanted to be.” She said and he smiled upon hearing that.

“Wow, thank you. That’s kind of you to say, Celeste.” He said softly and she nodded.

Celeste was pleased that that seemed to help cheer him up a bit more.

**********

After that little heart to heart Celeste shared with Harry how she had confronted a difficult conversation with a “friend”. He knew she was referring to this unnamed boy she liked, but he was happy to break down what she did to make amends. He was so proud of her for being open and honest about her own shortcomings to this person and took ownership of any hurt she might have caused. He loved knowing that he was helping her and guiding her through her life along with Diana. He wished he could be there more. He could just see how beautifully a family with the three of them would work. And so as he walked her back out to reception he wished her luck at camp and she hugged him tight and thanked him for his help. He needed that hug so bad, so he was grateful for it. Then finally, Grace was waving goodbye with a sympathetic smile as she left his office.

Harry’s day had ended on a positive note. He finished transcribing his notes and closed out for the day and packed up Misty before heading home. He fed her and changed into something a little more causal, he felt kind of dumb for dressing up, and then headed to one of his favorite pizza spot, he was in need of some comfort food. He plopped down at the little bar and waited for a waitress to come by. He was just minding his business, trying to decide what he wanted when he felt a tap on his shoulder and he glanced back to see none other than Rebecca smiling at him.

“This seat taken?” She asked and he laughed happily upon seeing her.

“Hey!” He greeted her and scooted out of his chair and they hugged tight, “You alright?” He asked and she nodded.

“Yeah, been pretty good. Are you waiting on anyone?” She asked and he shook his head.

“No, s’just me if you want to join me?” He offered and she nodded and settled into the spot beside his. They talked about the menu first and decided to share a pizza before they placed their orders and soon were slightly angled towards each other to be able to look at each other properly. “So what’s new with you?” He asked and she sighed and bit her lip before glancing up at his eyes.

“I’m at the DA’s office now, I’m with the specialized prosecutions unit, I’m working cases involving major narcotics at the moment.” She shared and he nodded and smiled.

“That’s amazing! Congratulations, I love that for you.” He said with so much genuine pride for her, she worked really hard.

“Thank you. I ummm… am also two months pregnant.” She said and his eyes went wide.

“Oh my god! Seriously?” He asked with a bright smile and she nodded, “With Eddie? That was his name right?” He asked and Rebecca nodded.

“Yeah, that was his name. And yeah, with him…I mean, it was the last thing I ever expected to be honest.” She giggled and he nodded as he listened, “But…it just felt…right. Like when I found out I wasn’t freaking out or anything, I was happy about it. And well Eddie is still at the other firm, after I left they bumped him up to my job, but he’s about to be hired on as a lawyer there. He’s really good and he’s young so they can keep him around for longer. He was really happy about the pregnancy news as well so ummm, we’re just planning on moving in together in the next month or so.” She finished and he chuckled.

“That’s all really amazing. I’m really happy things are going so well for you.” He said and she smiled.

“Thanks, Harry.” She hummed.

“And where’s Eddie now?”

“Late night. There’s a huge manslaughter case and ummm, they’re all quite occupied with that. Opening statements are in two days so it’s all hands on deck time. I just came from there actually. Was dropping off some dinner but I just couldn’t bring myself to eat chicken shawarma, it made me so nauseous just having to transport it.” She said and he chuckled.

“You and smells have always had a complicated relationship.” He recalled.

“Even more so now!” She said with a giggle, “And what about you? How’ve you been?” She asked and he smiled lightly.

“Good.” He said curtly and she looked at him incredulously.

“You can be honest with me, you know?” She said softly and he sighed.

“I’ve been better.” He said with a more neutral expression, “The last week or so has been…rough.” He admitted and she pouted.

“Why, H? What’s going on?” She asked and he sighed.

“Just…shit with someone else. Nothing too bad.” He assured her as he reached for his beer and took a swig of it.

“So you’re dating someone?” She asked and he shook his head.

“No, it didn’t really work out actually.”

“Oh, why not?” She frowned and he bit his lip before just saying it.

“It’s my client’s mom. The girl I had started seeing at the beginning of the year, Celeste.” He said and her eyebrows arched up a bit.

“Oh.” She said and he nodded. “Diana?”

“Yeah, that’s her.” He smiled sadly, “Obviously, it can’t happen. I just…hadn’t been completely honest about the repercussions were something to go wrong and I mean, additionally I would need to cut Celeste from my client roster and I can’t do that to her. As much as I love Diana, I love the kid too and I could never just abandon-”

“You love the kid?” She interrupted and he sighed.

“Yeah…I fucked up. I know I did.” He sighed. “I got too invested and too close to them. And like…fuck, I fell for Diana so fast. It was one of those things where I was in too deep before I even realized it.” He explained and she nodded in understanding.

“Yeah, that can happen. Have you guys like…you know?” She asked and he shook his head.

“It’s been close…we’ve been together for other things…” he said and she snorted at how awkward he was being, “And like…yeah, but not everything. And ummm, we had our first date last week. This whole conversation came up on the drive over and upon arriving we concluded that we were being selfish and stupid for even attempting and like…we just ended up going home because the night was ruined and that was it.” He shared with a frown on his face now.

“I’m so sorry, Harry.” She said reaching for his hand and he sighed.

“She’s the one, Becs.” He said to her and she frowned even more, “Saying no to that has been so hard.” He said softly, “I’v never felt anything like this before. We would be so great together…” He said with a soft smile.

“Does she feel the same?” Rebecca asked and Harry nodded.

“Yeah.” He confirmed and Rebecca sighed.

“Then don’t give up, Harry!” 

“I don’t want to, but I can’t pursue this! I could lose my licenses to practice if someone else found out about it. I would have to ask Celeste to find a new therapist which she has no intention of doing and she already dreads the idea of her mom dating.” He said, “My responsibility is to my client’s first. And having that more complex feeling towards Celeste makes it even harder to be selfish. She would not take it well and we would both completely break her trust…” he shook his head, “We just…we can’t.” He said simply.

“I see. Well, I’m really sorry, I hope things can get a bit more uncomplicated down the line.”

“I hope so too.” He said softly and just then their food came out and he thanked the waitress as he devoured the large Margherita pizza before them with his eyes. “No more sad talk, let’s just fuck this up.”

“Deal.” Rebecca agreed and they got to eating and made more light conversation. They stayed for about an hour more and even split some spumoni before they were heading out for the night. “Well thank you for allowing me to join you. I’m really glad we ran into each other. I’ve been thinking about you a lot, so it was fateful.” She said and he smiled.

“Yeah, it was really great to see you too.” He said as he opened his arms and hugged her for a moment.

“You deserve everything you want, H. You’re the best person I’ve ever known I swear it.” She said as she pulled back, “It’s all going to work out exactly as it should.” 

“Thank you.”

“Yeah.” She smiled, “And if you ever need anything, including a friend to put away another pizza with, give me call.” She said and he chuckled.

“Thanks, Becs. And again, congratulations to you and Eddie for everything you’ve got going on. It’s really great to see you thriving.”

“Thanks, H. I’ll see you around.” She said and he smiled and waited for her to drive off before walking back to his car. He really needed that today and he walked away from that feeling better about everything. If Rebecca was thriving surely his time was coming as well. He couldn’t accept that this is just how things were supposed to be, that it wouldn’t work out with Diana. It had to. It just had to.

************

“Are you sure you have everything?” Diana asked Celeste one last time as they pulled into the school parking lot and she nodded.

“Yep, I checked every box on my list.” She assured and Diana nodded.

They got out of the car and Diana unloaded Celeste’s suitcase while Celeste got on her backpack and then grabbed her guitar from the trunk. They started heading around to where the buses parked and as soon as they made it through the gate Ozzy and Geri were waving at her like maniacs and Celeste chuckled as she waved to them. Celeste turned to her mom as she heard her sniffle and then giggled.

“Mom, it’s just a month!”

“A month is a long time! We’ve never been away from each other for that long.” She excused her tears.

“I know but please don’t cry its embarrassing.” She said more softly as they got closer and closer to her friends.

“Ughhh…you should be grateful I care enough to cry for you, my mom never cried for me.” She said with a sniffle and Celeste sighed.

“I am grateful for your love and support, but just…be cool, mom.” She said lowly as they were just 30 feet away or so now.

“Fine.” Her mom sighed through a slight chuckle.

“And you can just drop me off here.” Celeste said and Diana scoffed, but stopped walking as Celeste turned to her with a small smile. “I love you. Thank you for letting me do this.”

“You’re gonna have a blast, cariño.” She assured her with teary eyes and Celeste just smiled.

“I hope so. I’ll text you every night when I’m in bed-”

“Yeah, until you get acclimated and forget about me next week. I know you.” Her mom joked and Celeste giggled bashfully with a shrug.

“I will try my best to text you every night before bed.”

“I can accept that.” She said and Celeste just sighed as she hugged her mom tight. “Be good and follow the rules to the best of your abilities, yeah?”

“I will.” Celeste assured.

“Look at me, for a sec.” Her mom said and Celeste glanced into her eyes, “And please for the love of god, have so much fucking fun.” She said and Celeste’s smiled widened and her mom’s smile mirrored her own, “You’ve had such a rough year and you pulled through, you deserve this, mamita. I’m really proud of you and I love you with my whole heart.” She sniffled once more and Celeste couldn’t help but get a bit teary-eyed as well before hugging her mom tight once again.

“Thanks, mom. I love you.” She whispered before pulling away and grabbing her suitcase from her mom and rushing off to meet Geri and Ozzy who called out their goodbyes to her mom as well. 

Celeste got her things down into the storage area and soon the three of them climbed up into the bus. There were already a few people in there and as Celeste looked around her eyes got caught on a pair of brown eyes near the back of the bus. She smiled at Ben and he smiled back at her. Geri and Ozzy slid into a row and Celeste slid into the one behind theirs and they started chatting until the bus was loaded with everyone that was signed up to go. The band teacher announced for them to find their seats so that she could take roll and Celeste was just buckling herself in when someone plopped down beside her and she turned, expecting to see a random person, but it was Ben.

“Are you saving this seat for anyone?” He asked softly as the teacher announced she was about to take attendance.

“Yeah, you.” She said with a flirty smile and he chuckled timidly.

“Celeste Beltran!” She heard her name.

“Here!” She raised her hand and then turned back to him waiting for them to call his name in a few seconds.

“Tyler Brooks…Benjamin Caldera!”

“Here!” Ben called and the teacher moved on as he turned back to her, “I missed you.” He said and she blushed.

“Ummm…me too. Missed you, not missed me because, that’s stupid.” She chuckled and he sniggered.

“Yeah, I get what you mean.” He assured her.

“How were things with your cousins?”

“Really fun. How’s you break been so far?”

“Good too, more relaxed than anything.”

“First camp is always the one where you overdo it since it’s like your first time, so it’s good you got some rest.” He said with a smile. They continued catching up a bit, but as soon as the bus started rolling away he glanced down at her hands on her legs and he just reached for it. Her eyes darted into his right away with anxiety. Sure she wasn’t bullied anymore, but people still thought she was a freak after everything.

“Are you sure that it’s OK if people see you-”

“I don’t care what other people think.” He said confidently and she smiled.

“OK then.” She said as she let her fingers slot themselves in between his. Already, things were off to a better start than she expected.

-

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[godoflazziness]

We’ll Meet Again

the intergalactic superstar often needed a break from partying himself and so he went up to be closer to the stars- up where the dreamweavers weave the dream together and come up with so many different dreams to explore. venti would give his insights when asked by the dreamweavers but usually kept to himself, finding a good spot to look up at the stars wondering to himself if his beloved warriors were still out there travelling among the stars once again or if they had ever truly reunited. he hoped that they did or rather hoped that you did. this is for you, traveler or well- trailblazer.

a cool breeze coming up around him as soon he was able to hear what was going on down below in the golden hour. robin and sunday encountering a new guest who had fallen from the sky and crash landed into the town square so to speak. there was something familiar about the trailblazer. venti’s eyes could see right through the vessel and into the soul that laid within. to the stellaron that lingered. should he make his introduction to the trailblazer? no. perhaps not now. this was an entirely new game and there was no venti in it. there was no way that they would remember him anyhow. they didn’t the last time. walking his way through and back down to the main dream. he found himself having entered into the mall, looking around and browsing. was there anything he wanted? his thoughts would be interrupted upon hearing a high-pitched voice on the wind, “ oh my gosh!! is that the venti?!” the voice excitedly exclaimed causing the small man to look over to see it wasn’t the tiny pipsqueak that he thought it was but instead a whole teenage girl with pink hair.

she didn’t seem to care about who had heard her squeal of joy or perhaps she did and was rather gifted with hiding it. she couldn’t contain her excitement however which reminded venti of quite the few people he used to know. smiling and shaking his head before turning on heel and pointing right at the teenage girl with other hand on his cheek, “ oh my gosh! is that the march 7th!?” he exclaimed in reply causing the girl with pink hair to put hands over her mouth in surprise and quickly look around to see if anyone else saw that before both the excited and full of energy individuals ran over and reached each other in the middle of the large space. it was almost like they had been best friends forever when in reality the two had literally just met yet they both knew of each other via the power of intergalactic social media.

" I shouldn't really be surprised that you're still hanging around for the charmony festival," stated march after the two took a few selfies together and the younger took one photo of venti by himself. venti looked at the photo and couldn't help but think to himself how good they were, it reminded him of that one cryo allogene that lived in fontaine.

he didn't know her personally but he did see some of the things that charlotte wrote. if only she would post something about how she managed to survive the destruction of teyvat but no such luck so far. there was someone from fontaine still kicking around though- the ex-hydro archon who has been completely shattered after what happened. venti couldn't blame her.

humans could do only so much and venti hoped that his dear friend furina would be able to realize that and stop blaming herself. the only person at fault for what went down was venti- the divine who chose to act as a human and abandon his duties of an archon. venti was never proud to be one as it only meant he was just a puppet on strings with celestia as the puppeter but with celestia gone, venti could finally be free. the cost to get here was heavy and if venti could, he would undo it all.

venti would rather be chained down and locked up in a cage than live in a time where his children didn't have freedom. he misses them a lot and everything just reminds him of days gone by. nothing venti actually could do now as he gave up a smile to march as she looked down at the shorter with a smile of her own. " huh. you're shorter in real life. I could pick you up and carry you around like a purse dog. uhh.. actually, nevermind. I don't have the upper body strength for that." she noted before placing on her forehead when she realized she likely really couldn't carry the man around even if she wanted to.

it was quite amusing to watch as venti allowed her to continue on with her rambling and just stood there waiting to see if she would ask him something else or what have you. venti didn't mind waiting for somebody to get to their point even when there wasn't a point at all to made or they end up forgetting what that point was but march seemed to just be making some small talk or rather taking in her observations of venti.

venti understood the intergalactic common language to where he could listen to others but found it difficult to speak it himself. he learned many languages over the many years and he gets confused sometimes. forgetting words in any language is quite an easy thing to do. " soo.. march." he started up when he noticed that the girl looked to be lost in train of though, " do you.. no. did you want to ask me something? fine if no. we can just talk! ehe!"

" whoa. your common really is that bad, huh.." noted march before quickly realizing how rude that sounded and apologized to which venti only giggled in reply and the girl let out a sigh, " anyway - yeah! there's so many things I want to ask you. I heard that you and robin actually knew each other. is that true? are you gonna do a colab together? everyone's been saying that you should!"

venti placed a hand on his chin as he thought over the questions. once upon a time, answering questions would have been easier but with the common language he wasn't too familiar with yet and his brain naturally wanting to speak the common language of his home planet, it was hard to form the words and sentences to properly portray what he wanted to say.

" won't deny. I've known both robin and her brother since they were still nestlings." venti started to answer the girl's question as march listened to eagerly yet he could tell she was slowly running out of patience, " colab though.. hmm. good idea! I will ask robin about it."

" whoa! you're.. older than I thought too! I was thinking you were sixteen or something. " march gave a nod in reply to acknowledge that she had heard what he said and understood it some degree, " and good idea? hmhm! of course it is!" she placed hands on hips and gave a confident smirk.

" no. I.. uhh.. I am over two thousand and six hundred years old." venti informed, having to really think on how long he has lived thus far and penacony's eternal golden hour often made it hard to know what day it actually was and people didn't use days out here as most people out in the cosmos measure by system hours.

" two thousand!? you're older than even general jing yuan." remarked march in surprise as she herself was a short life speices. most likely around twenty years of age or younger, " you look pretty good for two thousand though! the perks of being a long life speices I bet." and as this conversation continued on, the two of them would walk around the shopping mall together.

march checking out some shoes or other clothes along the way, checking the price and seeing if there were any discounts while venti tagged along. eventually the two would enter one of the clothing stores to try out some clothes and do something of a fashion show. taking photos and selfies while wearing the outfits they came up with.

and eventually when they left the store, venti would spot the bellhop out of the corner his eyes before looking back to march who had just gotten a text message. " oh shot- I have to go! see you around, venti!" and off the teenage girl went leaving venti behind.

after seeing her leave the mall, venti would then head off in the direction of where he thought he saw someone. was it furina or was it misha? he didn't really know until he actually found the boy. " oh, hey there, sweetie! what are you reading?" he asked watching as misha was flipping through the pages of some kind of magazine before the younger heard him and looked up with clockie accompanying him as usual.

" oh, uh.. it's just a teen magazine. I remember it had a quiz in it on.. how to know if you have a crush on somebody." answered misha and that would catch venti's interest causing him to smile and let out an 'oooh!~'. the boy was twelve years old. how long the boy had been twelve was hard to say but it seems like he was reaching that time of his life where he started to notice other people in a new way.

" and do you?" venti asked the boy causing misha to double check his results in the magazine's are you down bad? quiz. his cheeks soon turning a shade of pink before he nodded in reply. the wind energy lifeform would take a seat across from the boy ever curious about this new development, " oh, my! and who exactly is this mystery person you're crushing on?"

misha would hold clockie close to him, feeling rather embarrassed or shy about the reveal of having a crush on somebody and venti having taken an interest in who that somebody was. " oh.. just a guest I met. we hung out together on the astral express." the boy eventually answered while clockie was quick to point out that the person in question was more than 'just a guest' but a lieutenant of the cloud knights causing misha to let out a sigh as he closed up the magazine.

" and according to the quiz.. I am super down bad." misha added on while using clockie as a emotional support teddy bear or blankie, " it doesn't say what I should do about it though. I've been looking through the magazine for as many tips as I could find too. maybe I need to find a book on romance or at least one about the xianzhou luofu."

" it seems I have arrived just on time then!" mused venti in reply with a catlike smirk as he was willing to give the boy any guidance or advice he would need, " back on my home world, I lived in a nation of freedom that was well-known for poetry and romance. I've seen my fair share of teenagers in love. what you need to find out right now is if this yanqing kid likes you back."

misha listened rather intently to what venti was saying to him, taking it in and really thinking about it. it seems misha didn't know if his crush liked him back yet as he held clockie closer to his chest, " and how do I know if he does? should I ask?"

" a straight and direct approach could work but how you go about finding out really just depends on the other person. a lot of people aren't so willing to tell you how they feel. some would even lie straight to your face and deny their true feelings." venti explained to the boy and without knowing anything about yanqing.. it was hard to give any specific advice. venti then looking to clockie to see if he could shed some light on the situation and fortunately clockie had interacted with the subject of misha's crushing.

" yanqing is typically a straightforward and direct boy but it seems he had gotten some advice from that gambler known as aventurine. who knows what aventurine could have told yanqing." clockie gave his two cents to which venti nodded in acknowledgement before looking back to misha himself.

" right. simple and direct communication seems to be just right for this one then though those in the xianzhou alliance aren't really much for words. I would say to communicate how you feel through your actions instead as that may be easier for him." venti explained while misha had taken out a notepad at one point to write all this down and nodded to show he was listening before getting up with clockie still in arms, " thank you, mr venti sir! your advice was really helpful." he thanked the older before heading out and eventually venti would take his own leave out of the mall.

walking through the golden hour, venti would eventually stop in front of one of the televisions located within display window of one of the buildings. looking up and seeing that trailblazer on screen. another exciting adventure for them it would seem. " ehe~ hope to see you soon, my beloved warrior! oh, oops, sorry- galactic baseballer, is it now?" he whispered under breath with eyes on the trailblazer as if talking directly to them and as if they would be able to hear him, " you are sure to have quite the interesting stories to share. I wonder if you'll remember me this time."

[sowthetide]

heyyyyyy *saunters saucily into your ask box* congratulations! you have written a character so appealing that i cant stop thinking about her! and considering shes an alternate version of an already fictional character, i literally have no one else to bother about the brainworms she gives me. so, youre stuck with me. (side note if you do get sick of my endless asks just say the word and i will limit myself to like. two per chapter. probably. i can be normal i promise) ANYWAY i was listening to incredible amazing bigbrained theon playlist this morning and foreigners god by hozier came upand. the way i see it, in asoiaf canon theons one of the characters with the most interesting relationship with religion. he has the conflicting background, and doesnt really seem to connect with either. which isnt bad, not every character needs tk be spiritual, yet he is also some sort of mesiah figure??? like he has visions and talks to the weirwoods and has SO MUCH religious imagery like im not gonna get into it all but dude literally got crucified?? at a stake??? shit idk man. i like it. i like the part where he swears by the seven WHILE AT THE ISLANDS BEFORE HIS DEATH BAPTISM CEREMONY bbg theyre not pagans. but but but back to quenn- i feel like this is more emphasized in her story? maybe thats just me being delusional but (she lights insence in the sept after cat leaves hahahha im normal about this i swear) shes been abandoned by ALL the gods but still prays??? and for what??? stability???? hope?????? shes can seem like such a pessimist at time, a down to earth realist at best, but SHE STILL PRAYS. to what god???? im not very eloquent with words but you should listen to foreigners god the end byeeerer

-TeaInABowl

Why, hello again ;-) You're so nice to me 🥺 I really appreciate it cause I've been dealing with some Family Issues lately ❤️

Also, you do not have to tell ME about the pain of Quen brainworms!!! Thank god I have goddcoward, Ashen_Onion, and, of course, Y'ALL to scream with about Quen with, because otherwise I'd have probably lost my mind by now. Never worry about being normal because I've spent the last year being increasingly Unnormal about Quen, with extensive daydreaming about all of the Saw traps I have/will put her in.

You've reminded me to update my Quen playlist (the link is around here... somewhere...), but I also reallyyyy need to finish my Theon playlist too... eventually...

But back on topic! Yes, Theon's relationship with religion is such an interesting part of his character, and it's something that really drew me to him while reading (as someone with a complicated/agnostic outlook on religion). He has an unusually strong connection with the North's old gods, which is especially apparent in his ADWD chapters (which are some of GRRM's best-ever chapters, I will die on this hill), and I can't wait to see how that (hopefully) intersects with Bran's journey in TWOW.

I took this aspect of Theon's character and ran with it for Quen, as she has a lot of exposure to all three of the main religions in Westeros: the Drowned God during her childhood on the Iron Islands, and the old gods + the Seven during her time with the Starks. Quen has a closer relationship with the Seven in particular, due to her closer relationship with Catelyn/Sansa/Arya/Septa Mordane (by nature of being female in this 'verse), but she oscillates between all three when the occasion calls for it.

What is she praying for? Does she even believe in any of these gods? Who knows! Quen certainly doesn't. But she'll pray to the gods of the people she loves, so their gods might protect them. Also, as my dad would put it: "there are no atheists in foxholes". This is to say, Quen will cling to whatever gods get her the hell outta this clusterfuck in one piece. And, unfortunately, she finds herself in an inordinate amount of clusterfucks. She's clusterfucks Georg, really.

"Foreigner's God" is Thee Theon song fr. We all listened to it and collectively went THEON 🫵 If anyone has any other Theon song recs, I am always open to suggestions... 👀